PG 13-Continued

Dec. 11th, 2017…

I recently joined a dating site for seniors and am faced with looking in the mirror. I tend to stop myself from doing that too often and just go with the flow but there extenuating circumstances now that won’t let me do it. From the age of 9 or 10 I had been told I was different and couldn’t do the things others do. I have tried to prove them wrong and have made a royal mess of my life. Just trying to fit in and to be like others, have the kind of life I saw they were having, that is all. Every once in a while I’d catch myself and correct the situation and it was very painful. Once I fell in love with the most beautiful person I’ve ever met and had to walk away. I am at that point again, I have to be that honest with myself and others. I hurts knowing who and what I am and to not be appropriate for the world around me. I’d like to find someone that will provide a distraction, a place of comfort and acceptance before I die. I am willing to do the same, provide shelter from the storm. But I know from past experience I will be shunned. I am different, I do not fit in and I will die alone. I am not ashamed of my disabilities, they are who I am but to others they are unacceptable. Which makes me unacceptable. That hurts. That plain and raw truth. I had to renew my lease for my apartment and had to tell the manager that there is no one to call should I die. No one. How sad is that? I’ll play the game of the dating site just to have something to do, to have contact with others but the odds of things staying the same are 99,999%. If something happens I will be honest and open and they will run away. Just as before. The thing that has triggered this is 50 years ago I fell in love for the first time and that is what happened, they turned away without saying a word. 50 years ago this month I was fresh and new to love. I made contact with her a few months back on a social media site and she turned and walked away again. No dialog. Shunned. 50 years of repeats is a long time. It hurts.

 

Dec. 7th, 2017…

Looked up an old friend of mine from the late 70’s and early 80’s and was pleasantly surprised to find a story and photo’s…what isn’t mentioned is Monk is a great fiddle player and plays all over AZ in jamborees, fairs and the like…lots of fine stories to tell of one of the nicest people I’ve ever met…Monk Maxwell…

https://truewestmagazine.com/vaquero-in-a-vacuum/

 

Nov. 25th, 2017…

I was noticing the other day that all of my tires were going flat on my car. So today I thought I’s fill them up again. Don’t drive much anymore. Anyway, got a bunch of quarters and went to the gas station. Since then my back has been very painful and my hands really hurt from wrestling with the air hose and pumping my tires up. The valve stems are very short and it takes a lot to get the hose end seated to pump the air. My gawd it hurts to grow old and now I can’t even fill my own tires up with air. Geez. Don’t do it, don’t get old, you hear me? Don’t do it.

 

Nov. 20th, 2017…

I have been going through the certification process for next years rent. My rental unit price rose from 788.00 to 800.00 per month, my HUD subsidy reduced it to 303.00 per month this past year and next year it will be 279.00 because of all my healthcare costs this past year. Last year I had maxed out my drug co-pay amount the first week of december. This year it is the first week in november. Since then there have been no co-pays on my prescriptions. I am getting sicker by the minute living here. Today I received an application for housing by the same company that provides housing under HUD where I am for a facility in Cottonwood AZ. It is in a totally different environment, it may be just a little higher than here in Superior but it is far and away removed from the lower desert that I’d probably do much better. It would reduce the amount of drugs I am taking and improve my health. I am so sick of being sick. In Cottonwood my healthcare providers would be right there 24/7 whenever I needed them and just a short in town drive. Now is a nightmare. As an example. My pain medication was refillable last saturday so I turned in my script on friday at the pharmacy here. They are open monday through friday 2 pm to 4 pm. Because my script was still here in Superior today it could not be filled by the full pharmacy until tomorrow at 2 pm. I took the last of my pain medication sunday afternoon, right on schedule as it should be. I have been a wreck since. All I have is a muscle relaxer that is very mild and a nerve blocker from when I was having trouble with my sciatic nerve in my left leg this past summer. I cannot take much of the nerve blocker because it makes me feel like I’m drunk and unstable. If I lay down to try and sleep my spine feels like it’s a hot wire of electricity running up and down my spine, zap zap zap. And my joints are so stiff it’s hard to move. Because of being here my health is depreciating rapidly, I have nowhere to turn to trust with it either. The government may just vote to destroy what I barely have what with this new “tax reform” scam. I emailed mccain and asked him to put a stop to this madness, will he? I doubt it very much. My life in America.

 

 

Nov. 17th, 2017…

Got a call this morning from the Civil Rights Division. I’m to have my intake interview next week via the phone. Nice lady, seemed interested and concerned. We’ll see.

The above was posted about 9:30 am, it’s now almost midnight. I’m thinking it’s best not to post anymore on this subject since it is being pursued by the State.

 

Nov. 16th, 2017…

This past monday I had to pick-up a prescription and there was no co-pay. I have moved into the category of catastrophic coverage, meaning I have maxed the system out. Last year it didn’t happen until the 1st week of december. My gawd I’m tired of being sick. And then to-day the government moved one step further in eliminating Medicare and Medicaid when the House voted to approve the tax reform bill. It now moves to the Senate. Where who knows what will happen. A very sore lump has appeared on the right side of my head right in the hair line above the right eye, ouch. Who knows what that is? And there’s no money to find out, oh well. Carry-on til you die, right?

 

Nov. 14th, 2017…

 

GOP Tax Bill Would Trigger $25 Billion in Cuts to Medicare, Warns CBO

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GOP Tax Bill Would Trigger $25 Billion in Cuts to Medicare, Warns CBO

Senior citizens’ healthcare spending would be on the chopping block to make up for the $1.5 trillion deficit increase brought on by the House tax plan

So, the government tried to “repeal and replace” the ACA and failed. Now through their “tax reform” plan they are trying to gut it again so that the 1%er’s can have more money. I am not alone in my fight for parity but nowhere is it discussed what this does to the disabled. My mind is swimming over the last years attack on the “disposable people”, those of us at the margins. Those of us at the very bottom. It wears me thin, it wears me smooth. Do I continue to fight back for my rights as a human being? Do I continue to fight for my rights that were promised under the Americans With Disabilities Act? Or do I just give up? The only one that ever fought for me, my brother Frank, has been dead for over 10 years now and I’m weary of the slog. When I moved here I gave the N.P. at the clinic a copy of my family tree page and the about me page on disk so that they would know what I’m dealing with. I thought that if I did this in advance it might prevent any confusions later. Did it help? I post things here, do I get any comments? I post things on facebook, do I get any comments? Do I get any assistance? One, I have a sorta friend that I exchange comments with on a website and she directed me to a Legal Team here in AZ but they are not geared to assisting directly. They do referrals and I have discovered over time that most NGO’s claiming to giving assistance to the disabled are really grant writers and grant recipients that write a yearly statement. So, do I continue to continue to pretend, my life will never end and flowers never bend with the rain fall, to sorta quote Paul Simon.

A law that would segregate disabled people? We must all fight to stop it

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/nov/14/new-law-segregate-disabled-people-rights-american-disabilities-act

So, now you see why I am so weary from living life. It is a constant battle day in and day out 24/7.

 

 

Nov. 13, 2017…

Went to the clinic today about my TIA, best thing is to take an aspirin to thin the blood and if it happens again to call 911 right away…looked at a lot of stuff concerning alpha-lipoic acid and other things and will do OTC’s to minimize things, of course the best thing to do would be to quit smoking, I could be referred to other doc’s to do more testing and things but an TIA doesn’t leave any markers to speak of, it has to be caught in action, I’m to do a fasting blood test whenever…the N.P. was very upset and confused why they had received a complaint from the Atty. Gen. Office, said that the Doc would have to respond to it but still didn’t understand the timing of things that had gone down or why I needed to file a complaint…said I’d more than likely be told by the Doc to find another Doc, pretty much on the defensive and reactive instead of being proactive and asking if I needed help because of my disabilities…I’ll start looking for another Doc, I’d really like some help here folks but since I’m the one disabled and causing a “problem” once again I’m pushed-outta the system, makes me sick…

 

Nov.10th, 2017…
Back on Tuesday the 7th of Nov. I had what was/is more than likely a TIA or “mini-stoke”. I kinda lost my balance and ability to speak, nothing would come out of my mouth noise wise. It didn’t last very long, less than 5 minutes but in doing some looking around the web I see I could have a major stoke within 3 months. I spoke with a few people about this and they said I should see my doc right away. There are problems with that. One, I have no money for any sort of treatment(s). Two, I had a run-in trying to get a prescription filled/renewed and have filed a discrimination complaint against the clinic I go to with the AZ Attorneys Generals Office. Three, I am really very tired of living and if this is the way I’m to go, so be it. Since I live alone and rarely have a visitor I could have a stroke and no one would know for days. Long enough to become a complete veggie or die. I will try to live as calmly as I can until next tuesday and then call the doc’s office but then, I still have no money and am still faced with the life I live, which ain’t living, it’s existing/taking up space. Sure I could have a Cat Scan w/dye to find the blockages and I could have stents installed and I could live another 5 to 10 years but for what? I’m under-water in debt, no real friends, no family, all I really have is this web-site and the ability to post on a few websites I like, oh and ya, internet porn. Great life ain’t it? Why hang around for more? Give me one good reason, just one.

 

Oct. 29th, 2017…
…an update of sorts…I had to move from Phx back in Jan. of this year, I moved to Superior AZ where there is nothing but isolation. I have had to fight for just about everything when it comes to healthcare and my body went into collapse 3 weeks after moving in. I seriously hurt my back. I have had an MRI done and have been referred to a surgeon to get it fixed but there is no money so I canceled the appointment. My allergies are a mess with my ears being the most effected, when I lay down my head fills up and my ears start to drain, if I am able to get to sleep they go squish squish and wake me up. I haven’t slept for more than 3 hours at a time since Feb., my body and mind are a waste land. In trying to figure out why I am in chronic pain I have discovered a few things. I might be Autistic, I do have severe and chronic PTSD, both of which have elements to them of chronic pain. So, not only is my body causing pain but also the way my brain has been effected through birth and life trauma’s. There are times when I feel I am being crushed, my whole body feels like it is in a trash compactor. The biggest cause of my emotional distress is loneliness. I have never felt so alone and the tricks I used to use to get away from it don’t seem to be part of my tool kit anymore. There are times when I even miss the one’s that treated me like shit but I drew the line when I left Phx and haven’t reached out to those that treated me that way, I didn’t even let them know I was moving. I just left. I am a human being and I do deserve better. They say you get what you give. This is not so, I have tried to be inclusive and I get being shunned. I’m so tired of being judge, ridiculed, stigmatized and shunned. In many ways it is killing me….This PDF speaks of racism but can easily be applied to my situation or anyone who is treated as other, kinda the story of my life…

Racism Is Literally Bad For Your Health : NPR