My Story

Years ago now someone said to me, “you ought to tell your story”. Here it is, all jumbled up and out of order.



An update of recent developments.

During the late summer and early fall of 2018 I was concerned over some behaviors I was experiencing. I did some research and decided to submit to some testing. I took some preliminary tests for autism and half way through the tests it was advised that I seek immediate help and to complete the tests. Weeks later I discussed this with my primary Doctor and I decided against any further testing because it would be just another diagnosis I could not get treatment for. In examining this history you will come to realize that I am a high functioning autistic with complex PTSD.

With the rise of Greta Thunberg and the awareness she brings to autism I am finding more and more of myself being reported on, or what I am about being expressed in ways I didn’t know how to…here is one such report from the Guardian after a Greta story…

“This article was amended on 11 March 2019 to revise an explanation of mutism. An earlier version of the piece said: “People with selective mutism typically do not suffer from an inability to talk; rather, they choose not to engage in conversations they do not consider worthwhile.” This is not the accepted definition. The National Health Service, for example, notes: “Selective mutism is a severe anxiety disorder where a person is unable to speak in certain social situations , such as with classmates at school or to relatives they don’t see very often … A child or adult with selective mutism doesn’t refuse or choose not to speak, they’re literally unable to speak.””

I have just found this and am unable to express what I am feeling other than I have lived my life unable to speak. I saw another posting about this being called “being frozen or the freeze”. So many times, so many…unable to speak. My Gawd!

…4/25/2019…And yet another report from The Guardian and yet another view in the mirror. This one is a very sharp image, so close that I am on the verge of tears. So much of me being explained to me at this age is painful. So much of my life wasted. Had I known these things 60 years ago my life would have been totally different. Welcome to a view in a mirror, welcome to a slice of my pie. At the bottom of the page there is a tag for more on autism, maybe you’ll click on it and read more. Maybe not.

Like Greta Thunberg, I am on the autism spectrum. She gives me hope

4/26/19…just to get it out of me…

One of my last remaining teeth broke today. I have $7.00 to my name. I invited people here to learn about who I am while seeking and asking for help. They came and read a bit and left without any comment or contact. I need surgeries on my spine, the low back and the neck. I had injections into my spine and the co-pays whipped out my bank account for January and March of this year. I am some $25,000.00 in debt but have great credit. My debt to income ratio is 90+% so no one will loan me money for anything. I had a gofundme page and over the course of some 7 months received about $300.00 in donations. I was able to get some repairs done on my 30 year old car. It still needs work. My credit card payments are eating my bank account monthly. I seek emotional help and get none. I seek financial help and get none. I have no support network of any kind. I have no family, only relatives who shun me. I have no friends, the one’s from the past shun me. Why the fuck am I alive? I sure as hell do not want to be! This fucking sucks, enough is enough!!!



…guess I’ll have to take this page down, if I’m talking about PTSD someone might think I want to do myself harm, call the cops and end up being dead instead of fighting for the rights of those with PTSD, like vet’s and other victims of violent crime(s)…

…seriously folk’s, if you know someone with PTSD there is a must read book so you and they can understand what is going on…years ago the Dalai Lama released a book through the Mind Life Institute titled “Destructive Emotions”, it is a must read, it never mentions PTSD but the whole text addresses all of the aspects of the syndrome, and they are many…meditation in any form works the best and believe me, I’ve tried them all…a simple mediation can be as easy as washing the dishes, yes it’s true. it is a mindless thing washing dishes, you do it by rote, it provides space for the mind and in that space the mind can relax and not respond to anything but the bubbles, life is after all nothing more than a series of dirty dishes, it’s the bubbles that make it fun :-); doing things that are complex and detailed should be done in small doses, well spaced apart, something that is dense and complex triggers reflections and control of the triggers are what you are after, once you know these triggers you can learn to control them, it’s not easy and it takes a life time but what you are doing is mind training…a vet goes into the military to serve his country and is turned into a killing machine, something totally against being human, you have to de-train yourself, unlearn these things, it takes focus, it takes time and it takes awareness, awareness of triggers from being programmed, if you can learn to really meditate, your life will be much more relaxed and simpler and that is what you are after simplicity in all things…in america we have the SAMHSA or substance abuse and mental heath adminisration, here in AZ we have NAMIAZ to help, if you need help it’s out there for you, never hesitate to ask…okay?


…this piece speaks to the mindfulness issue well and the meditation too, I guess the addition of wisdom is a bonus I have not considered before, within the last few months I have had 2 people tell me I am wise, I’ve never considered that, for me that gets too close to the ego issue which I hope to diminish more and more as I go along but the mindfulness and development of seeing moments in action, being in the moment in other words, allows the observation of triggers and how to control them…please read the link, take a deep breath, let it out slowly and reread it…part of the whole thing is realizing that you aren’t on a journey to become some one or some thing else, the realization that you are already and just need to Be, when you sit quietly, with eyes closed in a comfortable position but upright, you are Being, you are already there…for me to be a Buddhist I have to understand that all I have to do is just Be, I am in my natural state if I just Be…when I praise someone for do a good work in an email, I close with the line, Thank you for Being…do you see what I’m getting at? I hope so…


I was born deformed with many birth defects in 1951. At age 7, my father died. At age 9, I was the victim of a violent crime which resulted in chronic and severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Most of the effects of these things weren’t known until after the age of 40. Three of these conditions that have effected me the most are; #1 the PTSD, #2 I am deaf with an auditory processing disorder or auditory aphasia and #3 according to the Purdue Pegboard Test my hands do not work, my left hand not at all. My left hand tested at 7 my right 13. The manual states that anything less than 10 indicates brain damage.

To me, art is everything.

When I write poetry, it just spills onto the page. Often times I don’t know what I’ve written until I’ve finished. I do not edit my poems, they stand on their own and have their own life.

My images are just me playing with light. We are light, our skin drinks it in and sustains us. From time to time I use images by friends with their permission.

Even though my hands don’t work and I am effectively deaf I had my first guitar lesson at age 5, got my first 12 string at age 16 for my birthday, and recorded a CD in 2006 which everyone seems to enjoy. I have been playing the same song for over 40 years, it changes every time I play. I cannot play other people’s music because of the disconnect between my hands and brain I just can’t work it out. The guitar in the photo was an experiment that just didn’t work out, it looks pretty but it was a disaster from day one. Over the course of 10 years and 3 guitars that guitar cost me $7,000.00. I have never gotten a replacement or any form of monetary compensation after returning the guitar to the builder. I have been asked to record with an amazing electric guitar player at the end of this month (Feb 2016) and my motivation just isn’t there after burned so badly. I basically have quit, when it once was a great form of healing and meditation for me.

I have an unusual personality, according to the Myers/Briggs test I am a INFP or an INTP depending on my current situation. Only 1 or 2 percent of the people on earth have this personality type. I am an Ultra-Idealist. Recently (3/10/16) someone who is of the same personality type, said to me, hey looky here…  …this is fun and quite frankly blew me away, kinda like a 9.0 earthquake.

I am the 3rd son of Florence Kingston Hoffman-Satchell, of the Hoffman’s of Kingston, NY. There are over 30 Roosevelt’s within my family tree, I am a 4th cousin of FDR. For further information about my blood-lines please read the page titled “My Family Tree”.

my Great Grandmother was a McCay, I am a Highlander, The McCay’s come from near Ribigill Scotland the nearest town is Tongue Scotland…the real MacBeth married a MacKay…Manu Forti means “with a strong hand”…very few Clans have Motto’s, the old one’s do, it may be from the Viking influence…there is a Satchell, MacKay tie that goes back to when Robert The Bruce fought against the Sutherlands…anyway…that’s how far I can trace my DNA, my family tree, back to before real recorded history, a joke but back to the days of Braveheart…I hate where I am so much all I can day dream about is going Home to Ribigill, I’d be among my own people…I have just learned a bunch about my Satchell line, I have it on the page “My Family Tree” if you are interested…

Clan Mackay


Without art I would parish. I see it all around me. Some of it good and some of it not so good. This is my contribution, a sampling.

WARNING: The Following May Not Be Suitable For Those Under 13 Years of Age…

A gallery of my many faces….


Why?…my story…

Started January 14th, 2011…

A start at explaining my life to myself. I have also been told to tell my story. Here it is in chunks and at random. It seems as though growth comes in painful periods. This is one of those times. A time when I am racked in pain, inside and out. My body hurts, my mind is numb and my time short. As Al Kooper says, “my days are numbered, down to precious

I was early. My mother was in labor for four days, it was a dry birth. I came out blue due to a hole in my heart with a deformed right leg on March 29th, 1951 There was no bonding with my Mother. I was placed in an oxygen tent and given a 50/50 chance. My father died the night of Thanksgiving 1958. I was 7 years old. The next spring we moved from Greeley CO to Phoenix AZ. We moved again within Phoenix a year later.
January 16th, 1961 I was the victim of an attempted molestation and attempted murder on the mountains east of 12St and Dunlap in Phoenix. I was 9 years old. The event lasted for hours. It seems to me like 4 hours, if my sense of time is correct. 50 years later I now know that the resulting PTSD is the main suspect for my verbal reasoning to be tested at 8%. Or an oxygen imbalance when placed in the oxygen tent after birth, I am deaf in a very odd way. An auditory aphasia. When I am under a great deal of stress I literally can not hear or speak. My hearing is acute but there isn’t any processing of what I hear. Most people test out to be between 35 and 47 percent, or something like that. It can be improved a few points but not by any great measure. A few years ago I tallied up how many times I have stared down the face of death and it was somewhere on the plus side of 30. I find myself old, very weary, soon to be 60 and just plain worn out

Was thinking earlier about a fishing trip with my brother Frank. We went to the lakes by Williams AZ. Drove into the campground. Parked the truck by a picnic table. Got out walked maybe 30 steps, if that. We both laid down on the bare dirt and fell asleep. In total sunlight, around 2 p.m.. Another odd thing about the trip. I was seeing Judy Kaufman at the time and she
came by my apartment the day before. She handed me a new jar of mint jelly, asking me if I wanted it. Of course I did and accepted it. When Frank came to pick me up he asked if I had any mint jelly because he’d bought some lamb chops for the trip. Judy and I spent close to 10 years together. Some of the best years of my life. But then her mother was dying and she was the sole heir and her ex husband was turning 65 and was going to retire so she was to get 1/2 of his social security and a portion of his retirement as well, maybe 1/2 as I recall, so she decided it was best to buy me out and get rid of me before we’d been together for 10 years and our relationship turned into a legal common-law marriage and I was in-line to have access to 1/2 of her monies. Money is/was more important to her than me. We used to go on hikes and go camping and find rocks in the shape of the “romantic” heart shape or the shape would be within the rock itself and I was thrown over for money. Frank loved to go fishing and at some lakes at certain spots he could catch his limit in an hour when no one caught a thing all day. He could Fish. We started young and he mastered it where I rarely if ever caught a thing. Right before I left AZ to move to WY I paid him a visit. He was having real trouble by then, his hands were almost frozen in a curled open grip. He couldn’t close them or open them either. He couldn’t hold a fishing rod and reel to save his life. It broke his heart not to be able to fish. So this song is for him. He also like Danny so this connection brings tears but dammit Frank let’s go fishin’…

A bit about my right leg. At some point they put my leg in a cast to straighten it out. I was standing up in my crib at that point. As the story goes, I used to beat the crib with my cast to get attention and after they took off the cast I only banged my leg once. Once was enough. In the early 90’s I learned that my nerve trunk does not cross as normal. Right arm/left leg and left arm/right leg; mine is left/left and right/right. I also learned recently that I have an extra vertebrae in my lower spine. From
the belly button down I’m a mess. I have a stent in the right iliac artery just below the aorta; just below the belly button. When the stent was installed the doctor told me that my veins and arteries run in odd places within my leg. My legs are shorter than they should be for my upper body size.

Sedona AZ. I remember when you could drink the waters and eat the fish in Oak Creek. The roads were paved with native stone so they were red. Some of the most amazing views on the planet are now smothered with man and his buildings. Arizona is a paradise lost. The only state to have a more diverse bird population is Florida. If worse comes to really bad, I understand how to live in the desert, it will support life within limits. As a
kid I recall that you could tell when school was about to start, people came back from vacations and the street traffic increased. You lived within the climate. It wasn’t unusual for a business to close from noon to 3 p.m. and then stay open later. You were lucky to have air conditioning. Most everyone used swamp coolers and the pace was much slower, friendlier.

Some 14 months ago (oct. 2009-jan. 2011) my second wife and I were separating and going through the steps of a divorce. In the process of looking for somewhere to go and some sort of future I started contacting people, networking. I called a relative that had, at one time, been interested in me being with them so I could have better health insurance and such and was told I’d be a burden. Another contact thought of me as a gold-digger wanting her money. I was able to make it to Phoenix and was feeling pretty good about it. I had friends and contacts here. Over the past months I’ve been told I’m not deserving, not-worthy and even worse things. I have had to stop any and all  contacts with the people from my past. Those that I’ve known since grade school, high school and beyond. I am living in total solitude. I never thought this would be my reward. Almost 60 years old, alone, poor and in ill health. I have no friends here and I feel empty and scared. I learned this past week that my problems with hearing may be a birth defect due to lack of oxygen at birth. My auditory aphasia is now being called: auditory processing disorder. For more information, take a look at what Wikipedia has to say. 60 years too late. I go to sleep hoping I don’t wake up. My time here is finished, my life is over and I’m sitting here waiting, wanting to die. I received a free $1,000.00 life insurance policy from my bank today, I don’t have anyone to put down for the beneficiary.

“The Event”. It was after school. I had gone across 12th St. to play among the waste dumps from the new houses being built. Scraps of drywall and knock-outs from electrical boxes. Treasures to a 9 year old. I saw a kid, older than my brother John but still a kid, coming towards me. We struck up a conversation about the mountain and decided we’d climb to the top. I loved playing on the mountain. When we got to the top he sat down inside a dugout area and started to play with himself. Telling me to suck him. I refused. He took the laces out of his shoes and tied my hands behind my back and pushed me off the top of the mountain. There was an out cropping to land on and I bent my knees and rolled to the left. If I’d rolled to the right I would have rolled forever. The kid got all full of remorse and
helped me back up to the top and beat the laces between 2 stones to get my arms free. But my hands were still tied tightly. We walked down the backside of the mountain and headed south. We ended up parting company at Griswold and 12th St. It was dark and I was cold wearing just a tee shirt. I walked home crying. I walked into the kitchen and Granny freaked. My
hands were blue. She cut the laces off with the kitchen scissors and my Mother came in from being out looking for me. Then 2 cops came in. Mother made a phone call. She gave me a pill and tucked me into bed, giving me a hug telling me it was all going to be okay. She didn’t believe my story. She thought I’d had a psychotic break, not for 3 days. Not until the police came and said they’d found where the event had taken place. I spent
days at the police station down town looking through mug shot photo albums trying to i.d. the perpetrator. There are images inside my mind of that time that I can not describe. Emotions that I hide from. Being totally gripped by fear, immobilized, stunned, in shock, unable to do or say anything. And then not to be believed. I didn’t come out of denial until I was 40. Mother hooked me up with a shrink which helped with the event but not what happened after I got home. I hate being alone, it is very
painful for me if I let it get out of hand. I suppress it to this day, this fear of being alone.

2/8/16…nice piece about PTSD/Post Traumatic Stress Disorder…

Since I started shutting down from my past 2 people have contacted me. “They” say that those that don’t need you never call again, must be true. While excluding people from my life I was polite and courteous to a fault. Didn’t want to ruffle any feathers or be mean. I’ve had enough of that to know full well how it feels. So I have 4 people that like having me being a
part of their life. There are those that I truly miss but I guess my realities are just too much to handle, gawd they ought to see things from where I stand. I am also finding that at times I can accept being alone because I’ve had my fill of having to be “up” and “in-tune” with what is going on around me. It takes a lot of effort anticipating the next shoe fall. Now, at times, I can relax and reflect. I rarely call anyone or send emails. My phone is
turned on and I do check my email accounts but I have a hard time reaching out towards anyone now. Who to trust is a big issue. My fathers Mother, Mom Grace, came for a visit once when I was little. She would watch me go across the street in the morning to get the kids to go to school. One day she said to me; let them come to you Gilbert, don’t chase them. I am now finally listening to my Grandmother.

When I got into high school my freshman year, they discovered I couldn’t read. I was moved to a remedial reading program. I have never mastered simple math and have to used a calculator. When in grade school I was taught spelling by phonics. Phonics to a deaf person was like mumble here, mumble there. I still can not spell and use spell check a lot. From the event on I rarely took a book home for study. I did the work in class and that was
it. If it didn’t happen there it didn’t happen. I was more than likely socially promoted, my grades didn’t justify being moved through the system. In my 40’s I did a lot of testing. It showed my reading skills to be at the 16+ grade level and my word knowledge and usage to be in the top at 98%. My son asked once how smart I am, he is way smarter than I. My I.Q. is 110,
I just use my brain differently. He is near genius level and my daughter’s is at 138. I have had to become a generalist in order to talk to people. I know a little about a lot of things. I had Mrs. Bolles for English my junior year. During the parent teacher conference Mrs. Bolles told my Mother in front of everyone that I was the only one to read Shakespeare aloud as intended. Mother had a swelled head for a long time afterwards. During
grade school my passion was softball. I loved it, lived for it. In high school I was in adaptive P.E. which is for those with “conditions”. The couch, Mr Connor was also the baseball couch. We had been playing softball with a huge ball so everyone could hit and catch it. I was sitting on the bench and
Mr. Connor came and sat next to me. He said that he wanted me to play ball for the school. I didn’t have to try out or anything. Just suit up and play. He also pointed out another guy in the class that was on the team. A few days later the football couch, Mr. Kersy, came and sat down beside and said, hey, why aren’t you playing ball? He was a huge man with hair all over and I was spooked, to say the least. Very intimidating. I knew I’d
never have the support at home and that I’d loose the comfort of the gang of kids I hung out with. I filtered everything through my friends. So I didn’t play. One of my major regrets. I loved playing ball, it could fill all of my senses 100% at times. In grade school it was my dream to play pro ball.

It’s now Feb. 5th. I need a break from this. Print what I have and go from there. This feels good but is very taxing.

Feb. 11th…The News…
Egypt has become a new country through non-violence…Mexico lost 16%
of it maize crop due to cold weather and Algeria along with other states are
getting ready for mass demonstrations which will spark more ugly
suppression…here in the U.S. of A. we feed our corn to machines and turn
it into sugars, we have the most people in jail in the world and no one
protests for fear of loosing their possessions…greed is killing the planet but
the planet is going to choke off our food supply…the loss of farm land world
wide due to climate change is becoming very dramatic, the Swat Valley,
Australia, China, Sri Lanka; on and on…we need to beat our weapon’s into
plow shares right now and through non-violent cooperation or hell will
come to roost permanently…I was a conscientious objector during the
draft/Viet Nam era. I had to train myself to be non-violent. The teachings
of the bible helped, as did the mindset of the 1960’s. To watch Egypt overthrow
7,000 years of suppression using common dignity towards all
confirms what I hold dear to my heart; peace and love. Nonjudgmental out
reach, giving a helping hand. This is what is needed by so many and
extended by so few. 7 billion people. The worlds population has doubled in
my life time, yet we are none the smarter for it. We are still killing each
other, I don’t get it and never will. I was very violent during my
adolescence, I even scared myself at times. Now violence directed towards
me makes me close tight like a clam. I once had a dear love in all respects
except for her violence. If it weren’t for that I’d still be with her today.

Feb. 27th…after the event…
By the time spring/summer came along after the event I was pretty
screwed-up. I would trip-out into a dissociative state. They thought I was
having seizures and I went through a neurological exam and a spinal tap.
It was thought that I had a low grade epilepsy and began a Dilantin and
Phenobarbital program. This “fugue” state happened a lot for quite a long
time. Often I was never aware of what was happening and there are
stories. Stories of being held under a cold shower until I calmed down. I do
remember screaming and yelling a lot and being uncontrollably violent.
During this time with my stresses being very high I developed allergies to
the extreme. I took things for my allergies like syrups, pills and shots once
a week. Mother once spoke to me about being different and not being able
to do things like the other kids but that attitude faded away and I was
expected to at least blend in and get along with others. It was unspoken
but it was there none the less. When I was a freshman in high school
Mother looked at me and said I had to learn to control myself. She then
threw away my dilantin and phenobarbital right in front of me. Over the
next few days my brain came unraveled, I spun out and crashed by
slamming my fist into the bare concrete floor breaking my hand. I had to
wear a cast for 6 weeks. My puberty was really wild with all the drugs,
playing softball and living on my bicycle. I tried not to be at home as much
as possible. There are stories of me sleep-walking in order to ride my bike
at night.

One summer Mother told me to clean out the rose garden. The rose garden
was along side the carport. About 12 feet wide and-20/25 feet long. It
contained about 16 rose bushes. Very cramped with still air and choked
with Bermuda grass, which I was highly allergic to. The next spring my
doctor told my Mother that I was to spend the summer in the pines and a
higher elevation or I wouldn’t see the next school year, I was that sick from
allergies. I haven’t a clue as to what years this happened or how old I was
but it was before I was 14. I was just over-come with everything. I spent
the summer at a Y.M.C.A. camp just south of Prescott, AZ. I had some fun,
didn’t miss home much and gained some weight. I was part of the Prescott
Rodeo parade. Third from the start on a large black horse named Kennedy.
He was my horse for the summer. That is until he kicked me and then it
was another horse that loved in trying to take off his saddle with me in it.
During this period I also babbled a lot, Frank called me Babbling Brook and
Mother was always correcting my grammar. I spoke in double negatives
for a long time. It took the better part of a summer for me to figure out
what to use when.

Mar. 17th…Aunt Nan…
Once, while assisting my Aunt Nancy, I spoke of my situation. 1991, just
divorced, very moderate income and with limited futures. She looked at
me and said; “I don’t know who to call anymore”. One half of my family; my
life and genetic make up is of household names from almost prewritten
history. We go back to the hazy daze/days of legends. Before truly recorded
histories. Robert The Bruce, for example. To the greatest that america has
offer. My mother being a Hoffman of Kingston NY. Her Mother was a
Carson of Philadelphia. Her parents marriage was a joining of part of the
cream of american history. I am a 4th cousin to FDR. My Mother had her
“Coming Out” to society at age 17. My Great Grandmother was a McCay. I
am a Highlander, at least in spirit and part of my blood. It is of great
comfort and energy to be of such noble blood. This one thing, knowing who
I am to such extremes, holds me together. My fathers family is of the
Guilds of Old England. Solid, stubborn, secretive and quiet. A self
assurance, sustained by a feel for the dirt and soil of the planet as tenders/
caretakers of the basics of life…2/28/16…in doing a bit if digging around the web I found that the McCay’s are from Thurso Scotland and so much more but this is a picture of my roots, my DNA comes from here, oh how I’d like to go there and drink it all in, in big gulps…

…the is a bit of dispute I aim to clear up…we are McCay’s not McKay’s and there is a difference, my Grandmother claimed our Tartan is never to be used by the public or by a McKay…from what I have read so far McCay is the origin of McKay but most sites direct you to McKay because there are so many of them…it is also special that there is a motto involved, most Clans have no motto, this points to an older origin than McKay and may have Viking influences…much more digging to do…

Apr. 1st…Spine…
On March 3 rd I saw my Doc up in Chino Valley. I’d been having horrible
pain between my shoulder blades. It feels like an embedded 5 lb. sledge
hammer. I asked for and got x-rays. T-1 is shot. Maximum lifting limited to
10 pounds. My neck has lost all it’s cushioning and is full of arthritis. Now
T-1. In my low back I have a vertically hemorrhaged vertebrae. 2 bulging
disks and an extra vertebrae. I have lifted weights off and on through out
my life. I have the fondest memories of gardening and planting trees. I love
to do landscaping. When in high school “the” school to go to for landscape
design was Texas A&M. Another dream of mine. Their specialty was golf
courses, lots of stuff to play with there, the ides still flood my mind from
time to time. But now, it feels like my vitality and purpose has been ripped
from my soul. It’s over, I’ve worn my body out. Damn. To top it off for the
month I had a bad molar pulled the day before my birthday. That tooth
made me very ill and even 5 days later I still feel horrible. Plus the olive
tree right outside my door is in bloom. Spring has always been rough for
me. The Ides of March have always been interesting days; but for another

The Ides of March…in Las Vegas…1989…


During the fall of 1988 I would have lunch with the the front office girl. A woman of maybe 22/23, her name was Dawn. A nice girl just going through a break up, I have always enjoyed spending time with women over men, who for whatever reason see me as an adversary. Anyway one day Dawn’s Mother joined us and it was a fun lunch, I thought nothing of it. But then she started showing up at the store to see me, bringing me milk shakes and we’d spend brief visits together. One day after being out of the store for a while I came in and walked up to the front desk and Dawn said to me something to the effect that gee you and my mother get along pretty good don’t you think you two could fool around a bit. I said that I’d never cheated on my wife and never would and walked away. On March 15th the following spring I called home at 9pm to see if my wife needed to pick up anything at the store on my way home, as was my habit. She said no but that when I got home we needed to talk, I told her I wasn’t busy at the moment because the guys were still out in the field. She said she wanted a separation. I said I’m on my way. When I got home there was no conversation, she just looked at the floor and shook her head when ever I spoke. The next day my area supervisor came to the store and I asked him for a reassignment to a store closer to home with different hours because I wanted to save my marriage. The next day he came in, handed me my check and said I had too many personal problems. As I passed the front desk Dawn asked what I was going to do and I said I hadn’t a clue and left. Days later I found out that everyone thought  Dawn and I were having an affair but Dawn had set the record straight with the area supervisor who had gone back to the office, quit for firing me for no reason and moved his family back to Texas. Things were hard at home, I was looking for work, taking care of the kids and my wife was going out bar hopping with her sister at night and coming home drunk. We went out for dinner on my birthday, the 29th of March, the next day she asked me to leave. On March 31st she came so drunk I could smell her from the bedroom, she was by then sleeping on the couch. I got her into the bed and left on 4/1/1989. I lost everything in 16 days; my job, my wife, my family, my home and was homeless in 16 days. Some friends in AZ lent me a sleeping bag and let me sleep in their back yard. To this very day I am still the bad guy to some in my family. Beware of the Ides of March, they will kill you, one way or another.

2/8/16…why I may be the way I am, or a part of the reason: pain…


When I was a senior in high school I developed mononucleosis/epstien-barre virus and didn’t know it until Mother took me to the E.R.. The mono had turned into hepatitis A. This on the night before being measured for my cap & gown. I spent the next 6 weeks in bed. My first time out of the house was for an hour to watch part of my graduation from the parking lot above the football field and bleachers. Since then I have pushed against most of what has happened by being very active and kinda fit. While in Kentucky my Nurse Practitioner thought I have fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue. Now that I’ve slowed down, no longer active and not lifting more than 10 pounds I find myself easily tired, dealing with personalities takes a great toll and my self image is fighting to adjust. Because of my appearance and affect I am thought to be in good health. The people in the apartment complex where I live are amazed by what little they know about my totality. I find the contradiction to be almost funny but it just ends up being frustrating.


It is not my suit to talk about who I am. I belong to a web-site that has 1000’s of test available. I have been taking some of the more reliable and most taken to get some idea of what I know but cannot express. So I’ll let the tests results speak for me. Although most are not truly scientific but are unauthorized versions of the real thing. They still reflect a sort of interpretation that is acceptable to me because I feel they reflect what I know to be me on the interior. They also show what I had to become in order to be something other than what my experiences were teaching me. My life on the exterior has been more than ugly, to counter act against it I explored life more than most. Having an almost photographic memory helps.


***What Planet are You From? Test

Your result for What Planet are You From? Test …

You are from Uranus!

20% Uranus

Well, how about that? You are from Uranus!

Uranus is a bit unusual in that it kind of tilts to its side. They
think that might be because it was involved in some kind of
collision with another planet or huge asteroid at some time.
Uranus also has nine rings. It was discovered in 1871 and is
the third largest planet in our solar system.

Uranus was named after the Greek father of the sky. It is said
that he come to the planet to mate with Gaia, but he hated the
children that she bore. Hmmm. Does that mean that you
don’t like very many humans?

What does this say about you?

Well, it means that you have a very strong personality. You
like being different. You are just one of those people that are
hard to describe. You like to make people think because you
realize that life is always changing.

You have lots of ideas and could possibly be an inventor. You
enjoy learning about new things and trying things out. You
are definitely a doer and a creator. Give you a rubber band, a
paper clip, and a ball point pin and I’m sure you could manage
to do something very interesting and unusual with it.

Intelligence becomes you!



***Howard Gardner’s Eight Types of Intelligence Test

Your result for Howard Gardner’s Eight Types of
Intelligence Test …


41% Logical, 31% Spatial, 10% Linguistic, 41%
Intrapersonal, 4% Interpersonal, 25% Musical,
16% Bodily-Kinesthetic and 61% Naturalistic!

“This area has to do with nature, nurturing and
relating information to one’s natural surroundings.
Those with it are said to have greater sensitivity to
nature and their place within it, the ability to
nurture and grow things, and greater ease in
caring for, taming and interacting with animals.
They may also be able to discern changes in
weather or similar fluctuations in their natural
surroundings. They are also good at recognizing
and classifying different species.
‘Naturalists’ learn best when the subject involves
collecting and analyzing, or is closely related to
something prominent in nature; they also don’t
enjoy learning unfamiliar or seemingly useless
subjects with little or no connections to nature. It is
advised that naturalistic learners would learn more
through being outside or in a kinesthetic way.
Careers which suit those with this intelligence
include scientists, naturalists, conservationists,
gardeners and farmers.” (Wikipedia)


***The 4-Variable IQ Test

The 4-Variable IQ Test

Written by chriscoyne

Your result for The 4-Variable IQ Test …


25% interpersonal, 30% visual, 35% verbal and
10% mathematical!

Your strongest type of intelligence is Verbal. You
thrive on words, word games, and languages in
general. I’m feeling insecure as I write this,
because you are reading it. You see, language
demands a certain level of recursive thought,
and, as someone who just scored highly on it, I’m
guessing you already noted the intentional
dangling modifier I just put in this sentence. Didn’t
you? Smarty pants. 4-eyes.
Your specific scores follow. On any axis, a score
above 25% means you use that kind of thinking
more than average, and a score below 25%
means you use it less. It says nothing about
cognitive skills, just your interest.

Your brain is roughly:
25% Interpersonal


***The Are You a Polite Online Dater Test

Written by IrishCowgrl

The Genteel One

You are 93 % Courteous.

Well aren’t you high-class! Your results have placed
you in the highest-scoring category. You are kind,
tactful, and honest about what you want. You have
either had great success with online dating, you
are very optimistic about the whole idea, or you
may even just be inexperienced and haven’t gotten
burned. Your only problem is that you’re so nice
and so polite that sometimes people might suspect
you of having an alterior motive behind that lovely
facade. Hopefully you will be able to maintain your
high morals and sense of justice even if the going
gets tough. Just be sure to remain honest, and
remember that it’s okay to make a mistake once in
awhile. After all, we’re only human. Have you
taken my other test yet? The Fence Around Your
Heart Test

You scored 93%
on Courteous,
higher than 92%
of your peers.


***The Best Thing About You Test

Written by chriscoyne

Your result for The Best Thing About You Test …


Humility is your strongest virtue. You are humble.

Humility is the defining characteristic of an
unpretentious and modest person, someone who
does not think that he or she is better or more
important than others. And you? When you do the
right thing, you’re doing it for all the right reasons.
All 7 virtues are a part of you, but your humility
runs deepest.
It is likely you’re a quiet type. But if not, then you
just have dark, secret side that loves to give.

Humble famous people: JD Salinger, Isaac
Newton, Harry Potter (pre-puberty)

Your raw relative scores follow. 0% is low, and
100% is perfect, nearly impossible. Note that I
pitted the virtues against each other, so in some
way these are relative scores. It’s impossible to
score high on all of them, and a low score on one is
just relatively low compared to the other virtues.


70% Compassion
44% Intelligence
75% Humility
44% Honesty
25% Discipline
14% Courage
33% Passion


*** The Buddha Nature Test

The Buddha Nature Test
Written by flwyd T

Your result for The Buddha Nature Test …

You are 100% Buddha.

You too are a Buddha. You have glimpsed the
essence of Buddha nature. May you aid others in
their quest for enlightenment.

You scored 42%
on Buddha,
higher than 51%
of your peers.


***The Fence Around Your Heart Test
Written by IrishCowgrl T

Your result for The Fence Around Your Heart Test …

Chain-Link Fence

Your Heart is 60% Guarded

You’re right in the middle of the categories. You
have struck a good balance between opening up
your heart and keeping it protected. Some things
in your past have hurt you, but you’ve managed to
keep a realistic view. When someone tries to steal
your heart, they’ll have to prove to you that they’re
worthy by making the effort to climb over. And
that’s just fine.

You scored 60%
on Guarded,
higher than 86%
of your peers.


***The Heart Test

Written by AaronJJ

Your result for The Heart Test …

Heart of Gold

You are 60% Independent, 60% Idealistic, 90%
Intimate, and 90% Indulgent!

The Heart of Gold

Independent, Idealistic, Intimate, Indulgent

You are the most loving of hearts, the Heart of
Gold. You possess all the most loving qualities,
intimacy, the desire for closeness, and an idealistic
view of love. At the same time, you are not bound
by love, and so stand on tall on your own. You
know you will find love and aren’t worried about
not acquiring it – it is only a matter of time, and
you are happy in the meantime waiting. You are
the purest of all hearts, loving and self-assured, as
complete and whole as a heart can be.


***The How Difficult Is Your Life Test

Written by chicken_pot_pie

Your result for The How Difficult Is Your Life Test …

Extremely Difficult

Your life has been 58% difficult.
Based on your family, money,
political context, and personal
situation — during the important
years of your development — it
appears your life was
does this mean?
Well, the “difficulty” of your life is
a measure of how rough you had
it. Relative to the world, you had
a very, very difficult childhood.

I’m not sure what “success”
means to you, but whatever it is,
you can achieve it. When you do,
it’ll be that much more

You scored 58%
on difficult,
higher than 93%
of your peers.


***The LONG Scientific Personality Test

Written by yeahiquit

Your result for The LONG Scientific Personality Test

ENFP – The Champion

You scored 64% I to E, 11% N to S, 14% F to T,
and 53% J to P!

Your type is known as the Champion type, which is
part of the larger group called idealists. Nothing
occurs that does not have some deep and ethical
significance in your eyes. You see life as an exciting
drama. You are very charismatic, yet tend to be too
harsh on yourself for not being as genuine as you
think you should be. 3% of the population shares
your type.
As a romantic partner, you need to talk about what
is going on in your life. You are a strong supporter
for your partner’s efforts to grow and change and
be happy. You need to feel that same support from
your partner. Expressive, optimistic, and curious,
you are eager to enjoy new experiences with your
partner, whom you wish to be your confidant and
soul mate, as well as play mate. You are
uncomfortable sharing negative emotion, though,
and tend to withdraw from confrontation and
process your feelings privately. You feel most loved
when your partner appreciates your creativity,
accepts your uniqueness, and sees you as the
compassionate person you are. You need to hear
your partner tell you how much you mean to them
and would love if they did thoughtful spontaneous
things to demonstrate it.
Your group summary: idealists (NF)
Your type summary: ENFP


***The Lover Style Profile Test

Written by donathos

Your result for The Lover Style Profile Test …

The Devoted Lover

77% partner focus, 38% aggressiveness, 45%

Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely

You prefer your romance and love to be traditional
rather than daring or out-of-the-ordinary, you
would rather be pursued than do the pursuing and,
when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction
comes more from providing a wonderful time to
your partner than simply seeking your own.

This places you in the Lover Style of: The Devoted

The Devoted Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and
is perhaps the best Lover Style when it comes to
developing a long-term, caring and rewarding
relationship. The Devoted Lover is a treasure to
find, though it is sometimes difficult to time
establishing a relationship with one just right;
usually, this is the last romantic relationship you’ll
need to find, so sow any wild oats first.

In terms of physical love, the Devoted Lover can be
shy at first but gradually warms and eventually can
be a thrilling partner who knows every need of
his/her partner. Given a strong and loving
relationship, and the right lover, the Devoted Lover
can be a delight in bed.


***The Perception Personality Image Test

Written by fromthemorning

Your result for The Perception Personality Image
Test …

NBPC – The Daydreamer

Nature, Background, Big Picture, and Color

You perceive the world with particular attention to
nature. You focus on the hidden treasures of life
(the background) and how that fits into the larger
picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the
colors around you. Because of the value you place
on nature, you tend to find comfort in more
subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You
like to ponder ideas and imagine the many
possibilities of your life without worrying about the
details or specifics. You are in tune with all that is
around you and understand your life as part of a
larger whole. You are a down-to-earth person who
enjoys going with the flow.


***The Personality Defect Test

Written by Saint_Gasoline

Your result for The Personality Defect Test …

Emo Kid

You are 43% Rational, 43% Extroverted, 14%
Brutal, and 0% Arrogant.

You are the Emo Kid, best described as a quiet
pussy! You tend to be an intuitive rather than a
logical thinker, meaning you rely more on your
feelings than your thoughts. Not only that, but you
are introverted, gentle, and rather humble. You
embody all the traits of the perfect emo kid. You
are a push-over, an emotional thinker, gentle to the
extent of absurdity, and so humble that it even
makes Jesus puke. (And Jesus almost never pukes,
being immortal and not requiring an act of puke to
dispell toxins from his corporeal manifestation.) If
you write poetry, you no doubt write angsty, syrupy
lines about depression, sadness, and other such
redundant states of emo-being that go something
like this: life is a spike / upon which i have impaled myself /
fuck you dad

So, your personality is defective because you are
too gentle, rather underconfident in yourself,
decidely lacking in any rational thought, and also a
bit too inhibited. Plus, your poetry really upsets
your father.
I probably made you cry, didn’t I? Fucking Emo

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.
2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.
3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.
4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.

***The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test

Written by felk

Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM
Test …

1- the Perfectionist

Thanks for taking the test !

you chose CZ – your Enneagram type is ONE (aka
“The Reformer”).

“I do everything the right way”

Perfectionists are realistic, conscientious, and
They strive to live up to their high ideals.

How to Get Along with Me

• Take your share of the responsibility so I don’t
end up with all the work.
• Acknowledge my achievements.
• I’m hard on myself. Reassure me that I’m fine
the way I am.
• Tell me that you value my advice.
• Be fair and considerate, as I am.
• Apologize if you have been unthoughtful. It will
help me to forgive.
• Gently encourage me to lighten up and to laugh
at myself when I get uptight, but hear my worries
What I Like About Being a ONE
• being self-disciplined and able to accomplish a
great deal
• working hard to make the world a better place

***The Quick and Dirty Personality Test

Your result for The Quick and Dirty Personality Test

ENFJ- The Teacher

Your Type is 100% Extroverted, 0% Observant, 0%
Logical and 81% Structured

Your type is known as the teacher, or the educating
mentor. You also belong to the larger group, called
idealists. You tend to bring out the best in other
people. You lead without seeming to do so. People
are naturally drawn to you. You expect the very
best from people which takes the form of
enthusiastic encouragement which is so charming
that people try their best not to disappoint you.
You share your personality type with 3% of the
You need to feel a deep and meaningful connection
to your romantic partners, and go to great lengths
to understand and please your mate. Harmony is
vitally important to you, and you often put others’
needs before your own. You have a pretty thin skin
and are easily hurt. Although you strive for
harmony, when your values or ethics are violated,
you can be very emotional, confrontational, and
even punishing. However, you are very insightful
about the underlying cause of conflicts, and an
excellent communicator, so you have the tools to
bring about a quick and peaceful resolution as long
as you can keep control of your facilities. You want
to be appreciated for your thoughtfulness and
compassion. You need your partner to make a real
effort to get to know you. Above all, you need to
be able to express your feelings and have them
taken seriously.
Your group summary: idealists (NF)

…ENFJ The Ultra Ultimate Personality Test

Written by zip_adeedoodah

Your result for The Ultra Ultimate Personality Test

The Protector

You scored 38 Extroversion, 70 Intuition, 72
Emotional, and 44 Spontaneity!


INFJs are intuitive, caring, quiet and peace-loving:
deep and complex people who may seem equally at
home dealing with the personal and analytical
spheres of life. The interior world of vision and
ideas is this type’s most comfortable domain, but
some degree of human connection is essential for
the INFJ’s happiness; a potential conflict for this
type. Articulate, empathetic and idealistic, INFJs
often say they just know things, they know them
directly, and they may not be able to tell you how
or why! INFJs seem to be able to feel others’
feelings vicariously and sense the good and evil in
situations: an almost psychic ability which may be
an asset in many “people professions.” Spiritual,
sensitive and committed, INFJs enjoy being of
service to others. Once this type’s goals are set
and the mind is made up, no argument based
solely on reason and practicality is likely to divert
the passionate INFJ from a mission or chosen
project. Whether this characteristic manifests itself
as admirable tenacity or bull-headed stubbornness
may determine the individual INFJ’s potential for
life success.


***The What Kind of Romantic Are You?

Your result for The What Kind of Romantic Are You?
Test …

You scored 91% Perfect, 9%
Realist, 0 %Shy immature, and
0% Sex Not Romance!

Wonder what score u got huh? what does it mean?
well, i’ll tell you :-)
If you scored a high “perfect” score, guess what!
you’re perfectly romantic. You have a beautiful
heart, and I hope that someday you will meet that
wonderful person of your dreams… ;)
If you scored a high “realist” score… well then, you
need to get your head out of the science books my
friend! Love is NOT something you can control, or
put into a box… remember that! I hope that you
learn to let go a little, listen to your heart a little
If you scored a high “shy immature”… then wow,
you need to grow up when it comes to romance!
Get a backbone! Please realize that those people in
the movies and stuff are definately not the people
of your dreams, and that you need to look around
you for the flesh and blood people who are
probably just waiting for you to open your eyes!
If you scored a high “Sex not Romance” Score…
you are a horn dog… your mind is ruled by your
sex drives, and your probably colder than ice on
the inside, just looking for the next selfish
pleasurable moment. Grow Up! Get a heart! Let
yourself fall in love, meaningful sex with someone
you love and have opened and thawed your frozen
heart for will be absolutely amazing! more than i
bet you’ve experienced so far!


***The Which DOORS song are you? Test

Written by RomanWilderness

Your result for The Which DOORS song are you?
Test …


12 shaman, 7 reveller, 10 exile, 10 nihilist and 1

This is the end, beautiful friend. This is the
end, my only friend … the end

THE END is the exception to the four variables …
you cannot get this song by scoring high or low in
any of these variables. You can only score THE END
if you look beyond the four variables and see the
true essence of The Doors. And apparently you
have. Congratulations and kudos. You have
achieved what most others could not.

For the rest of the songs, I’ve included brief
write-ups to describe and/or explain each of them.
However I’m not going to write anything about The
End. It’s sheer greatness would negate any
attempt I made to define it. In fact I’ve long since
come to the conclusion that The End is essentially


…Perfectly Clear…
Anyone convicted of child exploitation/abuse/pornography of any kind or manner should be castrated and then do their prison term. For a second offense they should be given a lobotomy. Questions? I think not !

I was never designed, built or maintained to last very long. During the spring of the year 2000 a doctor in Cottonwood AZ gave me 10 years. A few years ago a doctor here in Phoenix gave me a couple of years. I am past my expiration date. The will to live is very strong in me for some reason; we’ll see. Tomorrow I’ll turn 63. I’ll probably live to 90 but there is no desire to do so.

A few favorite quotes:

“…there are none so dumb as those that will not speak…” Danny O’Keefe
“…with eyes of fire no one can see…” Robbie Robertson


…well, in summary…you’ve gotten this far…if you are one of those told stories about me it should be painfully obvious to you by now that my brain and I do not even work or think in the terms that I have be accused of, some of which surely would have meant I’d be in jail or shot…there have been those that have thought I deserve an apology(s) but hey, I wasn’t the one being lied to, someone thought so little of you as to not tell you the truth…

…a few other physical “thingy’s…

I have Horner’s Syndrome in my right eye: my right eye-lid could close and never open again, I could go blind in that eye without warning or it could cause a heart attack at any moment. I’m not to call 911 but to get into the car and go to E.R. immediately.

My tail bone is broken and shoved up and into the right cheek of my butt. It is mobile and quite painful at times.

Yes, I survived…yes, I am adaptable but those little children found in shallow graves having been raped and murdered have the advantage over me, they are the lucky one’s, my life as been a living hell, it has taken almost all I have within me to get this far…their lives were cut short and their trauma, although intense and as frightening as it was, is a blessing because it didn’t last as long as those of us that survive…


I’ll turn 65 soon enough, I’m old, tired, been sick since before x-mas, pumped full of steroids and antibiotic’s, over the counter drugs, lost 14 pounds and I want it all to end, I’ve had enough…



A very dear and trusted friend of mine and I have been discussing this blog, my need for blogging and the resulting effects from this activity of being a blogger. Through her assistance I have been able to examine the influence of my chronic pain and drug addiction for this pain because of prescription medications and what they have on the writings here and the activity of the blog itself, being read or not, being commented on or not. This blog is much like an addiction to me because I am a shut-in with very little outside contact. In the past I haven’t been too kind to a few people and for this I apologize. I really don’t belong here, waiting, watching for the next page click or trying to figure out how to get more readership. What I need to do and will be trying to do is move away from this dead-end trap. I do hope that you, dear reader, have gained some insight into our world and how I see it. Maybe in some small way I have improved your life by showing and demonstrating truth(s) to you. If life becomes a bit more normal for us all I may restore those “back-pages” I’ve hidden away in order to protect myself but don’t count on it. I may be reached at g.satchell at mail dot com. Here it is a day later (2/22/16) and I’m still at “it”, posting more comments and links, I’m trying but there is this compulsion to teach, spread the word, seek the truth: dammit…



…due to some severe financial constants after having my car repaired I can no longer afford to stay on-line…I will be going off-line sometime around the 3rd of March…it’s been an interesting experience…last July (2015) this site showed just a little over 600 hits, I think I’ve done a good job here even though less than 10 responded to any of my work and it has been work…before shutting down I will be posting those hidden pages I’ve referred to a few times, in advance I’d like to wish you luck, we’ll all need it…GWS…update 3/2/16…my ISP worked out a deal with me, I’ll be staying on-line for a bit more, making noise and hopefully making people think about just what the fuck they are doing to the Planet Earth and to each other, I hope to offend, enlighten and cause action for Peace, brotherhood and sharing; we don’t have those things right now; we have war, killing, hate and greed, which really spells out the end of life as we know it, we won’t last much longer doing the things we do…


…The more I understand about what is really happening with radiation(s), global warming, climate change, our Empire, the wacko-right-wingo-control-freaks…the more depressed I’m getting…I would cry but there are no tears…I would scream but I have no voice…I have no family, I have a few friends that I can trust but I have no shelter from the storm, no one to hold on to in the dead of night out of fright of what we have become and what we soon will be…I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I have to force myself to do these things and yet I’m the one that is thought to be crazy, insane, mentally deficient…I wish I could be stupid, I wish I could be dumb, I wish I could live in denial, I wish I could be like you but I’m not, so I cry inside all the time…


…Casper Wy…lived there twice, always felt at home there…but…you can never go home any more (Moody Blues)

I have changed the site name to reflect who I am, a generalist…the name is in reference to Herbert Marcus and his book “One Dimensional Man”, if you are up to a very dense read about what our “modern” world has become I strongly suggest you read it, I constantly struggle with communicating with the one dimensional man…everything is related but not to such a person, so there you have the reason for the sites top photo, it is a very lonely road to travel. As you can see, much of what was on the old site is still here, all except for my art which I’ll try and fix, somehow. I’m going to be doing things differently now, more reflection and less posting of links. The big move was triggered by being ignored. I opened things up for comments time and time again and got none. I asked for donations time and time again and got none. The old site had a following from all around the globe and no one said a word, no one loaned me that dime, as it were. Not in the 3 years it was up and running. What I may end up doing is archive everything and start over or just redesign the pages or fill in a lot of blank spots in the day. In other words, I haven’t a clue where I’m going. It really is very frustrating not to have my photo’s and my photo/media library available, I’m to wait 72 hours for the whole thing to shake-down, wish I’d saved everything differently.

Ah hey look folk’s, I’m just an old hippie that did his fair share and more during the 60’s and 70’s, I still believe in sex, drugs and rock&roll, it’s just that now I’m too old and worn-out for any of it, Peace&Love are still very real to me, the brotherhood of mankind, things like that, yep, I miss the real life of those days when there was 1/2 as many people on the Planet Earth, some of the water and air was still clean enough to drink and breathe in it’s raw state and everyone was much much kinder, gentler and not in a rush to nowhere, yep, it’s my generations fault for not carrying any of this forward but we got tired of being shot and killed by our own at Kent State and elsewhere…I still listen to the music of that time, it was/is still Real, why I even like the crooners of the 40’s & 50’s but the 60’s & 70’s well, it’s a shame you weren’t there to go along for the ride, this is what I’m talking about Country Joe and The Fish, Electric Music For The Mind and Body

my body is failing me in so many different ways, the big problem is lack of sleep and poor diet, I have no cause to eat right, if I do my bowels fill up and press against my spine and the pain is a monster, when I lie down my hands and arms start to itch and burn and my back and legs start to cramp and ears start to drain then the buzz in my head gets really loud; I have to knock myself out in order to sleep, geez…bitch bitch bitch…got a nice email from the Bernie camp today, very nice, it boosted my spirits for quite a while, the move has been a good one, lots of new readers of a different sort, people who are in there getting their hands dirty, walkin’ the walk and talkin’ the talk, I’m beginning to feel I have something to offer them, my efforts are paying off…still no word from Frank’s family, they complained more than once about the mess he left behind, he just gave back what he was given, I miss them because I always thought of them a family but I don’t miss them if it is that easy to turn their back to me, all I did was ask doesn’t anyone share anymore and poof, their gone; maybe someone paid them a visit? someone bad mouthed me again? whatever, it just shows how shallow they are but it hurts, no one has my back and it’s getting darker by the day…4/2/16…no one ever had my back except Frank and he’s been gone a long time now; there was one person that helped, Dr. Virginia Connor my therapist, she even called once to tell me she had written off my balance due her on her tax filings, she was very kind and believed in me…no one has ever come out and said may I help you, I am shunned, stigmatized and ridiculed instead and that really hurts, I have been trying to go it alone now since Oct 2009 and it is so damn hard, so hard, people I know that I have sent to these pages later act like I have the plague or worse and now the government is doing what it is doing and I have no safe haven or harbor with still waters, everything is in turmoil around me, geez, as noted on the front page I have had trouble with my dsl, I did some speed tests and rebooted the modem and it worked better and then to read and post about the fbi and apple mess got me spooked by the spooks; no point in checking email because it isn’t secure and I’ll use Tor 100% of the time now, that along with using Linux Mint I’ll be kinda safe for a while yet, the tone of the letter from the fbi to police departments and such says to me boy you better beware, vulnerabilities have always been shared since time began with the web because of what is a stake with regards to power plants and the like but for the fbi to divorce itself from that means the police state has taken over, I doubt very much if there will be an election unless hrc is installed much like bush in 1999/2000; this move by the fbi will surely squash dissent, I have had 65 years of ugliness and now this, I want it all to stop.

Feb. 23rd, 2018…

What is not understood by others, it’s my fault, is that back in 2000 when the Doc said I had 10 years he also said I had the body of an 80 year old man, I was 50. That’s 30 years of extra wear and tear because of my birth defects, trauma’s and the life I have lived. Now at 66, soon to be 67, it means my body is that of a 96 year old man. I feel it, I look like it and I’ll be glad when it is all over. There, I have explained it as best I can. Maybe now people will understand, I can only hope.

…Feb. 28, 2018…update…

A very true story of how the mind works from within and from without…

Crack cocaine for bunnies

Crack cocaine for bunnies

From…11/20/17…be sure to read the comment I posted below the article…

…March 11th, 2018…update…

I have looking into eliminating the oxycodone and detoxing. It has turned into a giant hassle getting the drug and pain relief I need. I went to my primary doc last week and he was in total agreement and referred me to a doc that will help me get a medical marijuana card and I get some relief. I have been reading up on the bodies cannabinoid system, it seems that PTSD shrinks the hippocampus to the size of a walnut and it is what regulates the neurotransmitters that control the cannabinoid system, The receptors get reduced because of the lack of use so I need to rebuild my system to relieve my pain. MM does just that and there are certain strains more effective on pain than others. One thing I have noticed is that using MM my eyes open up and my vision isn’t blurry. I am in such pain that I cannot even open my eyes and focus, good gawd!!!

I have another page of writings that I may pull some out of post here, we’ll see.

Today is the 7th anniversary of FUKU. & years of a melting sun pumping radiation into the sky and sea. Fish and mammal populations in the sea are being decimated. I haven’t read much about the effects on humans. I understand there are problems but am not up on all that. This disaster will continue for 100’s of years, some aspects for 1000’s of years, long after humans are gone.

The Trials of A Madman, Tales of A Thief (P.O.S.)

March 5th, 2018…
I have started to keep a pain log.

Jan. 28th, 2018*…Dec. 11th, 2017…
I recently joined a dating site for seniors (and a dating site for sex) and am faced with looking in the mirror. I tend to stop myself from doing that too often and just go with the flow but there extenuating circumstances now that won’t let me do it. From the age of 9 or 10 I had been told I was different and couldn’t do the things others do. I have tried to prove them wrong and have made a royal mess of my life. Just trying to fit in and to be like others, to have the kind of life I saw they were having, that is all. Every once in a while I’d catch myself and correct the situation and it was very painful. Once I fell in love with the most beautiful person I’ve ever met and had to walk away. I am at that point again, I have to be that honest with myself and others. It hurts knowing who and what I am and to not be appropriate for the world around me. I’d like to find someone that will provide a distraction, a place of comfort and acceptance before I die. I am willing to do the same, provide shelter from the storm. But I know from past experience I will be shunned. I am different, I do not fit in and I will die alone. I am not ashamed of my disabilities, they are who I am but to others they are unacceptable. Which makes me unacceptable. That hurts. That plain and raw truth. I had to renew my lease for my apartment and had to tell the manager that there is no one to call should I die. No one. How sad is that? I’ll play the game of the dating site just to have something to do, to have contact with others but the odds of things staying the same are 99.999%. If something happens I will be honest and open and they will run away. Just as before. The thing that has triggered this is 50 years ago I fell in love for the first time and that is what happened, they turned away without saying a word. 50 years ago this month I was fresh and new to love. I made contact with her a few months back on a social media site and she turned and walked away again. No dialog. Shunned. 50 years of repeats is a long time. It hurts. Just to add this on Jan.11th, 2018…Necessitous men are never free, FDR, my cousin tells me I am in jail. I have no money. I need money. I am in debt because of having no money to survive. I have no family or friends. People shun me like a plague. I need people in my life. I am in jail because of who and what I am. I am poor, in debt, without human contact and in poor health. What a Grand Jail sentence and prison I find myself in. I know I cannot possibly be alone, surly there are others in my situation. I just don’t know any of them. If I did and we connected, we wouldn’t be in jail. Now would we? *…I have met some very nice women, they say they want to be in my life and so I send them here to reduce all of the questions down to a minimum and they disappear, poof, they’re gone like the wind. I am so tired of being shunned, I am so tired of heartache and pain. I refuse to play a game, I have to be up front and honest and it’s cost is loneliness to the extreme. According to most everyone I am not deserving, I am not worthy, I am a piece of shit, so I must be true. So be it.
…back on the 31st of January I came across a site concerning early childhood trauma. They claimed to be experts in the field, with a special clinic and testing for doctors to use to determine trauma. They also spoke of the lasting effects of early trauma. I posted a comment on an article about their testing, looked into their structure and wrote an email to the founder. That was 6 days ago. I have seen a flurry of activity here. People reading all about me and such but no notification that my comment has been posted and replied to and mt email has not been replied to either. Once again I am used up and left in the dark with no communication, not even from the “experts”. Why? This sucks Big Time. I have been looking into the physical effects of PTSD and the issues addressed are one’s I experienced as a kid. I have yet to find anything about all this pain I have. Sure my body and it’s bones are a mess but other things are going on other than that, that hurt, cause exhaustion and chronic fatigue. I wish I knew the answers or at least an answer. I recently hurt my lower spine and had to use my inversion table to straighten out my spine and unpinch my sciatic nerve going down my left leg. Went to my pain doc for my monthly appointment and he said he could not increase my dose. I am in a lot of pain and I’m to grin and bear it. Fuck that!!! I will find an alternative and seek another doc that will address the pain of both my spine and my PTSD. Weird things happen to bodies organs when exposed to long term PTSD that my current doc will not acknowledge. It really pisses me off. All of this isn’t going to kill me. What I will die from is a broken and lonely heart. My very being aches for someone I once held so close oh so many years ago. She fit, there’s not much else to say other than than she fit, every nook and cranny of my being. I titled my CD after her, SLD, “Seems Like Dreams” it’s been 26 years since I last heard her voice, looked into her eyes. This is what I will die from, the loss that won’t go away. I have lied with diversions. I am not proud of that but I had to try but they were lies none the less. My gawd it hurts. So I am no longer in denial, I have dedicated this site to Sheri. It is the only truth I know. For Sheri with love.

But my pain still grows. A month ago I really damaged my lower spine doing laundry. 10 days later I went to see my pain specialist. He would not raise my medication level of oxycodone, instead he said to use advil and heat and the like. Which I had been doing already. 9 days before my appointment I got a notice from my drug insurance company that will no longer cover my med.’s so I called the Doc’s office and asked them to apply for an exception. I was told they would. Today, the 19th, I went to get my scripts and they cost me $123.00 which I had to put on one of my credit cards. I was going to use that credit to get the brakes on my car fixed. The master cylinder is leaking. Driving the car is dangerous. Now I cannot afford to get my brakes fixed until next month. I called the Doc’s office and the office manager is going to call my insurance co. to find out what is going on. If there is no exception granted I cannot afford my med.’s. I am a crippled up old man and this is what I get. I get to be addicted to a drug that doesn’t work all that well and I get to buy it on credit. There isn’t any point in going for my next Doctors appointment if there is no insurance coverage. There is no point in going any further in life. I am damn sick and tired of being in pain. 66 years of pain. I’ve had my fill. I’ll try and make it through until tomorrow, maybe my head space will change. We’ll see. I am experiencing discomfort in my left shoulder, again. About 3 years ago I could not tuck in my shirt. Went to the Doc and got some tests done. I have shoulder joint thinning in my left shoulder. I gave me a shot of steroids and it’s been good so far but not lately. I think it’s the cold weather. I asked what would cause this and his reply was that it was damaged a long time ago and it is now falling apart. When I crashed on top of the mountain at age nine I landed on that shoulder. Could that be it? Most likely. I don’t know if I can get another shot. The doc said that if the shot didn’t work they would have to rebuild my shoulder. Not! I’ll see how it goes. I know playing the guitar doesn’t help my back any, damn it hurts afterwards but is that aggravating the shoulder as well? Most likely. Dammit Gawd Dammit. ARG!!!! …3/1/18…I got my letters about my refund for the credit card charges but no forms to fill out so they are going to send me the forms. I didn’t have a receipt either but the pharmacy gave me one today. So maybe I’ll get my refund in 2 weeks or so. Went to my “new” Doc’s appointment today. What a fucking bust. When he walked in I handed him my card that says I have a hearing problem and he said something to the effect, “so what are we suppose to do, raise our voices louder so you an hear”, while raising his voice to almost yelling. Totally unprofessional and disgusting. I’m tempted to leave a really bad review on his professional listing page. Anyway, he doesn’t do my type of pain management, even though that is what he advertises under. I think he is a quake and a fraud. I made an appointment with my primary doc for a consult and maybe a referral, we’ll see. I am in really bad pain and feel so worthless. I’m thinking of just quitting the oxycodone altogether and just smoke pot and drink booze to ease my pain, at least that way my PTSD wouldn’t be hit so hard. This “doctor” Jesse Hatgis didn’t even understand that I was born deformed and the my nervous system runs straight through my body unlike normal people, I had to explain it to him, geez. What a fucking quack.

Dec. 7th, 2017…
Looked up an old friend of mine from the late 70’s and early 80’s and was pleasantly surprised to find a story and photo’s…what isn’t mentioned is Monk is a great fiddle player and plays all over AZ in jamborees, fairs and the like…lots of fine stories to tell of one of the nicest people I’ve ever met…Monk Maxwell…

Vaquero in a Vacuum

Nov. 25th, 2017…
I was noticing the other day that all of my tires were going flat on my car. So today I thought I’s fill them up again. Don’t drive much anymore. Anyway, got a bunch of quarters and went to the gas station. Since then my back has been very painful and my hands really hurt from wrestling with the air hose and pumping my tires up. The valve stems are very short and it takes a lot to get the hose end seated to pump the air. My gawd it hurts to grow old and now I can’t even fill my own tires up with air. Geez. Don’t do it, don’t get old, you hear me? Don’t do it.

Nov. 20th, 2017…
I have been going through the certification process for next years rent. My rental unit price rose from 788.00 to 800.00 per month, my HUD subsidy reduced it to 303.00 per month this past year and next year it will be 279.00 because of all my healthcare costs this past year. Last year I had maxed out my drug co-pay amount the first week of december. This year it is the first week in november. Since then there have been no co-pays on my prescriptions. I am getting sicker by the minute living here. Today I received an application for housing by the same company that provides housing under HUD where I am for a facility in Cottonwood AZ. It is in a totally different environment, it may be just a little higher than here in Superior but it is far and away removed from the lower desert that I’d probably do much better. It would reduce the amount of drugs I am taking and improve my health. I am so sick of being sick. In Cottonwood my healthcare providers would be right there 24/7 whenever I needed them and just a short in town drive. Now is a nightmare. As an example. My pain medication was refillable last saturday so I turned in my script on friday at the pharmacy here. They are open monday through friday 2 pm to 4 pm. Because my script was still here in Superior today it could not be filled by the full pharmacy until tomorrow at 2 pm. I took the last of my pain medication sunday afternoon, right on schedule as it should be. I have been a wreck since. All I have is a muscle relaxer that is very mild and a nerve blocker from when I was having trouble with my sciatic nerve in my left leg this past summer. I cannot take much of the nerve blocker because it makes me feel like I’m drunk and unstable. If I lay down to try and sleep my spine feels like it’s a hot wire of electricity running up and down my spine, zap zap zap. And my joints are so stiff it’s hard to move. Because of being here my health is depreciating rapidly, I have nowhere to turn to trust with it either. The government may just vote to destroy what I barely have what with this new “tax reform” scam. I emailed mccain and asked him to put a stop to this madness, will he? I doubt it very much. My life in America.

Nov. 17th, 2017…
Got a call this morning from the Civil Rights Division. I’m to have my intake interview next week via the phone. Nice lady, seemed interested and concerned. We’ll see.
The above was posted about 9:30 am, it’s now almost midnight. I’m thinking it’s best not to post anymore on this subject since it is being pursued by the State.

Nov. 16th, 2017…
This past monday I had to pick-up a prescription and there was no co-pay. I have moved into the category of catastrophic coverage, meaning I have maxed the system out. Last year it didn’t happen until the 1st week of december. My gawd I’m tired of being sick. And then to-day the government moved one step further in eliminating Medicare and Medicaid when the House voted to approve the tax reform bill. It now moves to the Senate. Where who knows what will happen. A very sore lump has appeared on the right side of my head right in the hair line above the right eye, ouch. Who knows what that is? And there’s no money to find out, oh well. Carry-on til you die, right?

Nov. 14th, 2017…

GOP Tax Bill Would Trigger $25 Billion in Cuts to Medicare, Warns CBO
Published on
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
Common Dreams
GOP Tax Bill Would Trigger $25 Billion in Cuts to Medicare, Warns CBO
Senior citizens’ healthcare spending would be on the chopping block to make up for the $1.5 trillion deficit increase brought on by the House tax plan
Julia Conley, staff writer

So, the government tried to “repeal and replace” the ACA and failed. Now through their “tax reform” plan they are trying to gut it again so that the 1%er’s can have more money. I am not alone in my fight for parity but nowhere is it discussed what this does to the disabled. My mind is swimming over the last years attack on the “disposable people”, those of us at the margins. Those of us at the very bottom. It wears me thin, it wears me smooth. Do I continue to fight back for my rights as a human being? Do I continue to fight for my rights that were promised under the Americans With Disabilities Act? Or do I just give up? The only one that ever fought for me, my brother Frank, has been dead for over 10 years now and I’m weary of the slog. When I moved here I gave the N.P. at the clinic a copy of my family tree page and the about me page on disk so that they would know what I’m dealing with. I thought that if I did this in advance it might prevent any confusions later. Did it help? I post things here, do I get any comments? I post things on facebook, do I get any comments? Do I get any assistance? One, I have a sorta friend that I exchange comments with on a website and she directed me to a Legal Team here in AZ but they are not geared to assisting directly. They do referrals and I have discovered over time that most NGO’s claiming to giving assistance to the disabled are really grant writers and grant recipients that write a yearly statement. So, do I continue to continue to pretend, my life will never end and flowers never bend with the rain fall, to sorta quote Paul Simon.
A law that would segregate disabled people? We must all fight to stop it
So, now you see why I am so weary from living life. It is a constant battle day in and day out 24/7.

Nov. 13, 2017…
Went to the clinic today about my TIA, best thing is to take an aspirin to thin the blood and if it happens again to call 911 right away…looked at a lot of stuff concerning alpha-lipoic acid and other things and will do OTC’s to minimize things, of course the best thing to do would be to quit smoking, I could be referred to other doc’s to do more testing and things but an TIA doesn’t leave any markers to speak of, it has to be caught in action, I’m to do a fasting blood test whenever…the N.P. was very upset and confused why they had received a complaint from the Atty. Gen. Office, said that the Doc would have to respond to it but still didn’t understand the timing of things that had gone down or why I needed to file a complaint…said I’d more than likely be told by the Doc to find another Doc, pretty much on the defensive and reactive instead of being proactive and asking if I needed help because of my disabilities…I’ll start looking for another Doc, I’d really like some help here folks but since I’m the one disabled and causing a “problem” once again I’m pushed-outta the system, makes me sick…

Nov.10th, 2017…
Back on Tuesday the 7th of Nov. I had what was/is more than likely a TIA or “mini-stoke”. I kinda lost my balance and ability to speak, nothing would come out of my mouth noise wise. It didn’t last very long, less than 5 minutes but in doing some looking around the web I see I could have a major stoke within 3 months. I spoke with a few people about this and they said I should see my doc right away. There are problems with that. One, I have no money for any sort of treatment(s). Two, I had a run-in trying to get a prescription filled/renewed and have filed a discrimination complaint against the clinic I go to with the AZ Attorneys Generals Office. Three, I am really very tired of living and if this is the way I’m to go, so be it. Since I live alone and rarely have a visitor I could have a stroke and no one would know for days. Long enough to become a complete veggie or die. I will try to live as calmly as I can until next tuesday and then call the doc’s office but then, I still have no money and am still faced with the life I live, which ain’t living, it’s existing/taking up space. Sure I could have a Cat Scan w/dye to find the blockages and I could have stents installed and I could live another 5 to 10 years but for what? I’m under-water in debt, no real friends, no family, all I really have is this web-site and the ability to post on a few websites I like, oh and ya, internet porn. Great life ain’t it? Why hang around for more? Give me one good reason, just one.

Oct. 29th, 2017…
…an update of sorts…I had to move from Phx back in Jan. of this year, I moved to Superior AZ where there is nothing but isolation. I have had to fight for just about everything when it comes to healthcare and my body went into collapse 3 weeks after moving in. I seriously hurt my back. I have had an MRI done and have been referred to a surgeon to get it fixed but there is no money so I canceled the appointment. My allergies are a mess with my ears being the most effected, when I lay down my head fills up and my ears start to drain, if I am able to get to sleep they go squish squish and wake me up. I haven’t slept for more than 3 hours at a time since Feb., my body and mind are a waste land. In trying to figure out why I am in chronic pain I have discovered a few things. I might be Autistic, I do have severe and chronic PTSD, both of which have elements to them of chronic pain. So, not only is my body causing pain but also the way my brain has been effected through birth and life trauma’s. There are times when I feel I am being crushed, my whole body feels like it is in a trash compactor. The biggest cause of my emotional distress is loneliness. I have never felt so alone and the tricks I used to use to get away from it don’t seem to be part of my tool kit anymore. There are times when I even miss the one’s that treated me like shit but I drew the line when I left Phx and haven’t reached out to those that treated me that way, I didn’t even let them know I was moving. I just left. I am a human being and I do deserve better. They say you get what you give. This is not so, I have tried to be inclusive and I get being shunned. I’m so tired of being judge, ridiculed, stigmatized and shunned. In many ways it is killing me….This PDF speaks of racism but can easily be applied to my situation or anyone who is treated as other, kinda the story of my life…
Racism Is Literally Bad For Your Health : NPR

March 21st, 2018…

I have almost everything in place to stop taking oxycodone. I will get my MMJ card either friday or saturday and then it’s off to a dispensary for some MM. Then I start cutting back on the opioid crap. I’ll cut them in 1/2 and extend the time period between doses. The Doc says I can expect chills, fever and stomach upset. Withdrawing from oxycodone ought to be a Gas, oh ya, what fun. I have kicked other habits but nothing like this. I’ve been taking it for 6 to 7 years now, kinda spooky. I think I am prepared mentally, we’ll see. My meeting with the Doc didn’t go well in retrospect, he was quiet, didn’t ask questions and his vibe was one of anger towards me. I tried to explain my quest for his referral, the MMJ card and visits with other Doc’s and such and it just didn’t go right. I need someone to help me get things out when under stress and he didn’t take part in my attempt. It was a pretty one sided conversation Now I’m wishing that Sylvia were with me to help explain things. She could see the rough spots and what I was trying to get at and correct me without judgement. He offered no assistance with the symptoms of withdrawing from the oxycodone and when he walked me out he was way in front of me and just pointed the way at the end of the hall. We walked by a group of the staff and their looks were odd, I ended up at the wrong counter and someone from the staff had to direct me to the right counter. It’s not him, it’s not them, it’s me and few understand my hearing, my PTSD, my autism(?), my being. I need help and get none except judgement, condemnation and dismissal.

April 1st, 2018…

I have started my program of MM and quitting the oxycodone. One benefit unforeseen is the reduction in my allergies, it’s almost totally under control due to the reduction in inflammation. It is such a blessing, you have no idea, I’m not taking any pills, inhalers or sprays to control it. Once in a while I sneeze which I don’t normally do and sometimes I have to blow my nose but that’s it. For decades I have been fighting allergies and chest problems and it’s being treated by MM. WOW!!!