About: Gilbert (PG-13)

Gilbert W. Satchell

3/29(2016?) 12:08 am Happy Birthday

anything that I have posted here of my own making is free to use, the other related items reference back to them for usage, I try to post name, origin and source but may have missed something, if it’s not wanted posted I will certainly take it down if asked

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2/17/16

…guess I’ll have to take this page down, if I’m talking about PTSD someone might think I want to do myself harm, call the cops and end up being dead instead of fighting for the rights of those with PTSD, like vet’s and other victims of violent crime(s)…

http://www.sott.net/article/312407-Cops-kill-suicidal-man-as-he-lay-crying-in-his-bed

…seriously folk’s, if you know someone with PTSD there is a must read book so you and they can understand what is going on…years ago the Dalai Lama released a book through the Mind Life Institute titled “Destructive Emotions”, it is a must read, it never mentions PTSD but the whole text addresses all of the aspects of the syndrome, and they are many…meditation in any form works the best and believe me, I’ve tried them all…a simple mediation can be as easy as washing the dishes, yes it’s true. it is a mindless thing washing dishes, you do it by rote, it provides space for the mind and in that space the mind can relax and not respond to anything but the bubbles, life is after all nothing more than a series of dirty dishes, it’s the bubbles that make it fun :-); doing things that are complex and detailed should be done in small doses, well spaced apart, something that is dense and complex triggers reflections and control of the triggers are what you are after, once you know these triggers you can learn to control them, it’s not easy and it takes a life time but what you are doing is mind training…a vet goes into the military to serve his country and is turned into a killing machine, something totally against being human, you have to de-train yourself, unlearn these things, it takes focus, it takes time and it takes awareness, awareness of triggers from being programmed, if you can learn to really meditate, your life will be much more relaxed and simpler and that is what you are after simplicity in all things…in america we have the SAMHSA or substance abuse and mental heath adminisration, here in AZ we have NAMIAZ to help, if you need help it’s out there for you, never hesitate to ask…okay?

http://www.namiaz.com

3/13/16

http://www.sott.net/article/314190-New-study-links-wisdom-to-meditation

…this piece speaks to the mindfulness issue well and the meditation too, I guess the addition of wisdom is a bonus I have not considered before, within the last few months I have had 2 people tell me I am wise, I’ve never considered that, for me that gets too close to the ego issue which I hope to diminish more and more as I go along but the mindfulness and development of seeing moments in action, being in the moment in other words, allows the observation of triggers and how to control them…please read the link, take a deep breath, let it out slowly and reread it…part of the whole thing is realizing that you aren’t on a journey to become some one or some thing else, the realization that you are already and just need to Be, when you sit quietly, with eyes closed in a comfortable position but upright, you are Being, you are already there…for me to be a Buddhist I have to understand that all I have to do is just Be, I am in my natural state if I just Be…when I praise someone for do a good work in an email, I close with the line, Thank you for Being…do you see what I’m getting at? I hope so…

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I was born deformed with many birth defects in 1951. At age 7, my father died. At age 9, I was the victim of a violent crime which resulted in chronic and severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Most of the effects of these things weren’t known until after the age of 40. Three of these conditions that have effected me the most are; #1 the PTSD, #2 I am deaf with an auditory processing disorder or auditory aphasia and #3 according to the Purdue Pegboard Test my hands do not work, my left hand not at all. My left hand tested at 7 my right 13. The manual states that anything less than 10 indicates brain damage.

To me, art is everything.

When I write poetry, it just spills onto the page. Often times I don’t know what I’ve written until I’ve finished. I do not edit my poems, they stand on their own and have their own life.

My images are just me playing with light. We are light, our skin drinks it in and sustains us. From time to time I use images by friends with their permission.

Even though my hands don’t work and I am effectively deaf I had my first guitar lesson at age 5, got my first 12 string at age 16 for my birthday, and recorded a CD in 2006 which everyone seems to enjoy. I have been playing the same song for over 40 years, it changes every time I play. I cannot play other people’s music because of the disconnect between my hands and brain I just can’t work it out. The guitar in the photo was an experiment that just didn’t work out, it looks pretty but it was a disaster from day one. Over the course of 10 years and 3 guitars that guitar cost me $7,000.00. I have never gotten a replacement or any form of monetary compensation after returning the guitar to the builder. I have been asked to record with an amazing electric guitar player at the end of this month (Feb 2016) and my motivation just isn’t there after burned so badly. I basically have quit, when it once was a great form of healing and meditation for me.

I have an unusual personality, according to the Myers/Briggs test I am a INFP or an INTP depending on my current situation. Only 1 or 2 percent of the people on earth have this personality type. I am an Ultra-Idealist. Recently (3/10/16) someone who is of the same personality type, said to me, hey looky here…  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r36wnaSqJtw  …this is fun and quite frankly blew me away, kinda like a 9.0 earthquake.

I am the 3rd son of Florence Kingston Hoffman-Satchell, of the Hoffman’s of Kingston, NY. There are over 30 Roosevelt’s within my family tree, I am a 4th cousin of FDR. For further information about my blood-lines please read the page titled “My Family Tree”.

my Great Grandmother was a McCay, I am a Highlander, The McCay’s come from near Ribigill Scotland the nearest town is Tongue Scotland…the real MacBeth married a MacKay…Manu Forti means “with a strong hand”…very few Clans have Motto’s, the old one’s do, it may be from the Viking influence…there is a Satchell, MacKay tie that goes back to when Robert The Bruce fought against the Sutherlands…anyway…that’s how far I can trace my DNA, my family tree, back to before real recorded history, a joke but back to the days of Braveheart…I hate where I am so much all I can day dream about is going Home to Ribigill, I’d be among my own people…I have just learned a bunch about my Satchell line, I have it on the page “My Family Tree” if you are interested…

http://www.scotclans.com/scottish-clans/clan-mackay/

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Without art I would parish. I see it all around me. Some of it good and some of it not so good. This is my contribution, a sampling.

WARNING: The Following May Not Be Suitable For Those Under 13 Years of Age…

 

Why?…my story…

Started January 14th, 2011…

A start at explaining my life to myself. I have also been told to tell my story. Here it is in chunks and at random. It seems as though growth comes in painful periods. This is one of those times. A time when I am racked in pain, inside and out. My body hurts, my mind is numb and my time short. As Al Kooper says, “my days are numbered, down to precious
few”.

I was early. My mother was in labor for four days, it was a dry birth. I came out blue due to a hole in my heart with a deformed right leg on March 29th, 1951 There was no bonding with my Mother. I was placed in an oxygen tent and given a 50/50 chance. My father died the night of Thanksgiving 1958. I was 7 years old. The next spring we moved from Greeley CO to Phoenix AZ. We moved again within Phoenix a year later.
January 16th, 1961 I was the victim of an attempted molestation and attempted murder on the mountains east of 12St and Dunlap in Phoenix. I was 9 years old. The event lasted for hours. It seems to me like 4 hours, if my sense of time is correct. 50 years later I now know that the resulting PTSD is the main suspect for my verbal reasoning to be tested at 8%. Or an oxygen imbalance when placed in the oxygen tent after birth, I am deaf in a very odd way. An auditory aphasia. When I am under a great deal of stress I literally can not hear or speak. My hearing is acute but there isn’t any processing of what I hear. Most people test out to be between 35 and 47 percent, or something like that. It can be improved a few points but not by any great measure. A few years ago I tallied up how many times I have stared down the face of death and it was somewhere on the plus side of 30. I find myself old, very weary, soon to be 60 and just plain worn out
inside.

Was thinking earlier about a fishing trip with my brother Frank. We went to the lakes by Williams AZ. Drove into the campground. Parked the truck by a picnic table. Got out walked maybe 30 steps, if that. We both laid down on the bare dirt and fell asleep. In total sunlight, around 2 p.m.. Another odd thing about the trip. I was seeing Judy Kaufman at the time and she
came by my apartment the day before. She handed me a new jar of mint jelly, asking me if I wanted it. Of course I did and accepted it. When Frank came to pick me up he asked if I had any mint jelly because he’d bought some lamb chops for the trip. Judy and I spent close to 10 years together. Some of the best years of my life. But then her mother was dying and she was the sole heir and her ex husband was turning 65 and was going to retire so she was to get 1/2 of his social security and a portion of his retirement as well, maybe 1/2 as I recall, so she decided it was best to buy me out and get rid of me before we’d been together for 10 years and our relationship turned into a legal common-law marriage and I was in-line to have access to 1/2 of her monies. Money is/was more important to her than me. We used to go on hikes and go camping and find rocks in the shape of the “romantic” heart shape or the shape would be within the rock itself and I was thrown over for money. Frank loved to go fishing and at some lakes at certain spots he could catch his limit in an hour when no one caught a thing all day. He could Fish. We started young and he mastered it where I rarely if ever caught a thing. Right before I left AZ to move to WY I paid him a visit. He was having real trouble by then, his hands were almost frozen in a curled open grip. He couldn’t close them or open them either. He couldn’t hold a fishing rod and reel to save his life. It broke his heart not to be able to fish. So this song is for him. He also like Danny so this connection brings tears but dammit Frank let’s go fishin’…

A bit about my right leg. At some point they put my leg in a cast to straighten it out. I was standing up in my crib at that point. As the story goes, I used to beat the crib with my cast to get attention and after they took off the cast I only banged my leg once. Once was enough. In the early 90’s I learned that my nerve trunk does not cross as normal. Right arm/left leg and left arm/right leg; mine is left/left and right/right. I also learned recently that I have an extra vertebrae in my lower spine. From
the belly button down I’m a mess. I have a stent in the right iliac artery just below the aorta; just below the belly button. When the stent was installed the doctor told me that my veins and arteries run in odd places within my leg. My legs are shorter than they should be for my upper body size.

Sedona AZ. I remember when you could drink the waters and eat the fish in Oak Creek. The roads were paved with native stone so they were red. Some of the most amazing views on the planet are now smothered with man and his buildings. Arizona is a paradise lost. The only state to have a more diverse bird population is Florida. If worse comes to really bad, I understand how to live in the desert, it will support life within limits. As a
kid I recall that you could tell when school was about to start, people came back from vacations and the street traffic increased. You lived within the climate. It wasn’t unusual for a business to close from noon to 3 p.m. and then stay open later. You were lucky to have air conditioning. Most everyone used swamp coolers and the pace was much slower, friendlier.

Some 14 months ago (oct. 2009-jan. 2011) my second wife and I were separating and going through the steps of a divorce. In the process of looking for somewhere to go and some sort of future I started contacting people, networking. I called a relative that had, at one time, been interested in me being with them so I could have better health insurance and such and was told I’d be a burden. Another contact thought of me as a gold-digger wanting her money. I was able to make it to Phoenix and was feeling pretty good about it. I had friends and contacts here. Over the past months I’ve been told I’m not deserving, not-worthy and even worse things. I have had to stop any and all  contacts with the people from my past. Those that I’ve known since grade school, high school and beyond. I am living in total solitude. I never thought this would be my reward. Almost 60 years old, alone, poor and in ill health. I have no friends here and I feel empty and scared. I learned this past week that my problems with hearing may be a birth defect due to lack of oxygen at birth. My auditory aphasia is now being called: auditory processing disorder. For more information, take a look at what Wikipedia has to say. 60 years too late. I go to sleep hoping I don’t wake up. My time here is finished, my life is over and I’m sitting here waiting, wanting to die. I received a free $1,000.00 life insurance policy from my bank today, I don’t have anyone to put down for the beneficiary.

“The Event”. It was after school. I had gone across 12th St. to play among the waste dumps from the new houses being built. Scraps of drywall and knock-outs from electrical boxes. Treasures to a 9 year old. I saw a kid, older than my brother John but still a kid, coming towards me. We struck up a conversation about the mountain and decided we’d climb to the top. I loved playing on the mountain. When we got to the top he sat down inside a dugout area and started to play with himself. Telling me to suck him. I refused. He took the laces out of his shoes and tied my hands behind my back and pushed me off the top of the mountain. There was an out cropping to land on and I bent my knees and rolled to the left. If I’d rolled to the right I would have rolled forever. The kid got all full of remorse and
helped me back up to the top and beat the laces between 2 stones to get my arms free. But my hands were still tied tightly. We walked down the backside of the mountain and headed south. We ended up parting company at Griswold and 12th St. It was dark and I was cold wearing just a tee shirt. I walked home crying. I walked into the kitchen and Granny freaked. My
hands were blue. She cut the laces off with the kitchen scissors and my Mother came in from being out looking for me. Then 2 cops came in. Mother made a phone call. She gave me a pill and tucked me into bed, giving me a hug telling me it was all going to be okay. She didn’t believe my story. She thought I’d had a psychotic break, not for 3 days. Not until the police came and said they’d found where the event had taken place. I spent
days at the police station down town looking through mug shot photo albums trying to i.d. the perpetrator. There are images inside my mind of that time that I can not describe. Emotions that I hide from. Being totally gripped by fear, immobilized, stunned, in shock, unable to do or say anything. And then not to be believed. I didn’t come out of denial until I was 40. Mother hooked me up with a shrink which helped with the event but not what happened after I got home. I hate being alone, it is very
painful for me if I let it get out of hand. I suppress it to this day, this fear of being alone.

2/8/16…nice piece about PTSD/Post Traumatic Stress Disorder…

http://www.sott.net/article/311769-PTSD-is-as-old-as-the-hills

Since I started shutting down from my past 2 people have contacted me. “They” say that those that don’t need you never call again, must be true. While excluding people from my life I was polite and courteous to a fault. Didn’t want to ruffle any feathers or be mean. I’ve had enough of that to know full well how it feels. So I have 4 people that like having me being a
part of their life. There are those that I truly miss but I guess my realities are just too much to handle, gawd they ought to see things from where I stand. I am also finding that at times I can accept being alone because I’ve had my fill of having to be “up” and “in-tune” with what is going on around me. It takes a lot of effort anticipating the next shoe fall. Now, at times, I can relax and reflect. I rarely call anyone or send emails. My phone is
turned on and I do check my email accounts but I have a hard time reaching out towards anyone now. Who to trust is a big issue. My fathers Mother, Mom Grace, came for a visit once when I was little. She would watch me go across the street in the morning to get the kids to go to school. One day she said to me; let them come to you Gilbert, don’t chase them. I am now finally listening to my Grandmother.

When I got into high school my freshman year, they discovered I couldn’t read. I was moved to a remedial reading program. I have never mastered simple math and have to used a calculator. When in grade school I was taught spelling by phonics. Phonics to a deaf person was like mumble here, mumble there. I still can not spell and use spell check a lot. From the event on I rarely took a book home for study. I did the work in class and that was
it. If it didn’t happen there it didn’t happen. I was more than likely socially promoted, my grades didn’t justify being moved through the system. In my 40’s I did a lot of testing. It showed my reading skills to be at the 16+ grade level and my word knowledge and usage to be in the top at 98%. My son asked once how smart I am, he is way smarter than I. My I.Q. is 110,
I just use my brain differently. He is near genius level and my daughter’s is at 138. I have had to become a generalist in order to talk to people. I know a little about a lot of things. I had Mrs. Bolles for English my junior year. During the parent teacher conference Mrs. Bolles told my Mother in front of everyone that I was the only one to read Shakespeare aloud as intended. Mother had a swelled head for a long time afterwards. During
grade school my passion was softball. I loved it, lived for it. In high school I was in adaptive P.E. which is for those with “conditions”. The couch, Mr Connor was also the baseball couch. We had been playing softball with a huge ball so everyone could hit and catch it. I was sitting on the bench and
Mr. Connor came and sat next to me. He said that he wanted me to play ball for the school. I didn’t have to try out or anything. Just suit up and play. He also pointed out another guy in the class that was on the team. A few days later the football couch, Mr. Kersy, came and sat down beside and said, hey, why aren’t you playing ball? He was a huge man with hair all over and I was spooked, to say the least. Very intimidating. I knew I’d
never have the support at home and that I’d loose the comfort of the gang of kids I hung out with. I filtered everything through my friends. So I didn’t play. One of my major regrets. I loved playing ball, it could fill all of my senses 100% at times. In grade school it was my dream to play pro ball.

It’s now Feb. 5th. I need a break from this. Print what I have and go from there. This feels good but is very taxing.

Feb. 11th…The News…
Egypt has become a new country through non-violence…Mexico lost 16%
of it maize crop due to cold weather and Algeria along with other states are
getting ready for mass demonstrations which will spark more ugly
suppression…here in the U.S. of A. we feed our corn to machines and turn
it into sugars, we have the most people in jail in the world and no one
protests for fear of loosing their possessions…greed is killing the planet but
the planet is going to choke off our food supply…the loss of farm land world
wide due to climate change is becoming very dramatic, the Swat Valley,
Australia, China, Sri Lanka; on and on…we need to beat our weapon’s into
plow shares right now and through non-violent cooperation or hell will
come to roost permanently…I was a conscientious objector during the
draft/Viet Nam era. I had to train myself to be non-violent. The teachings
of the bible helped, as did the mindset of the 1960’s. To watch Egypt overthrow
7,000 years of suppression using common dignity towards all
confirms what I hold dear to my heart; peace and love. Nonjudgmental out
reach, giving a helping hand. This is what is needed by so many and
extended by so few. 7 billion people. The worlds population has doubled in
my life time, yet we are none the smarter for it. We are still killing each
other, I don’t get it and never will. I was very violent during my
adolescence, I even scared myself at times. Now violence directed towards
me makes me close tight like a clam. I once had a dear love in all respects
except for her violence. If it weren’t for that I’d still be with her today.

Feb. 27th…after the event…
By the time spring/summer came along after the event I was pretty
screwed-up. I would trip-out into a dissociative state. They thought I was
having seizures and I went through a neurological exam and a spinal tap.
It was thought that I had a low grade epilepsy and began a Dilantin and
Phenobarbital program. This “fugue” state happened a lot for quite a long
time. Often I was never aware of what was happening and there are
stories. Stories of being held under a cold shower until I calmed down. I do
remember screaming and yelling a lot and being uncontrollably violent.
During this time with my stresses being very high I developed allergies to
the extreme. I took things for my allergies like syrups, pills and shots once
a week. Mother once spoke to me about being different and not being able
to do things like the other kids but that attitude faded away and I was
expected to at least blend in and get along with others. It was unspoken
but it was there none the less. When I was a freshman in high school
Mother looked at me and said I had to learn to control myself. She then
threw away my dilantin and phenobarbital right in front of me. Over the
next few days my brain came unraveled, I spun out and crashed by
slamming my fist into the bare concrete floor breaking my hand. I had to
wear a cast for 6 weeks. My puberty was really wild with all the drugs,
playing softball and living on my bicycle. I tried not to be at home as much
as possible. There are stories of me sleep-walking in order to ride my bike
at night.

One summer Mother told me to clean out the rose garden. The rose garden
was along side the carport. About 12 feet wide and-20/25 feet long. It
contained about 16 rose bushes. Very cramped with still air and choked
with Bermuda grass, which I was highly allergic to. The next spring my
doctor told my Mother that I was to spend the summer in the pines and a
higher elevation or I wouldn’t see the next school year, I was that sick from
allergies. I haven’t a clue as to what years this happened or how old I was
but it was before I was 14. I was just over-come with everything. I spent
the summer at a Y.M.C.A. camp just south of Prescott, AZ. I had some fun,
didn’t miss home much and gained some weight. I was part of the Prescott
Rodeo parade. Third from the start on a large black horse named Kennedy.
He was my horse for the summer. That is until he kicked me and then it
was another horse that loved in trying to take off his saddle with me in it.
During this period I also babbled a lot, Frank called me Babbling Brook and
Mother was always correcting my grammar. I spoke in double negatives
for a long time. It took the better part of a summer for me to figure out
what to use when.

Mar. 17th…Aunt Nan…
Once, while assisting my Aunt Nancy, I spoke of my situation. 1991, just
divorced, very moderate income and with limited futures. She looked at
me and said; “I don’t know who to call anymore”. One half of my family; my
life and genetic make up is of household names from almost prewritten
history. We go back to the hazy daze/days of legends. Before truly recorded
histories. Robert The Bruce, for example. To the greatest that america has
offer. My mother being a Hoffman of Kingston NY. Her Mother was a
Carson of Philadelphia. Her parents marriage was a joining of part of the
cream of american history. I am a 4th cousin to FDR. My Mother had her
“Coming Out” to society at age 17. My Great Grandmother was a McCay. I
am a Highlander, at least in spirit and part of my blood. It is of great
comfort and energy to be of such noble blood. This one thing, knowing who
I am to such extremes, holds me together. My fathers family is of the
Guilds of Old England. Solid, stubborn, secretive and quiet. A self
assurance, sustained by a feel for the dirt and soil of the planet as tenders/
caretakers of the basics of life…2/28/16…in doing a bit if digging around the web I found that the McCay’s are from Thurso Scotland and so much more but this is a picture of my roots, my DNA comes from here, oh how I’d like to go there and drink it all in, in big gulps…

…the is a bit of dispute I aim to clear up…we are McCay’s not McKay’s and there is a difference, my Grandmother claimed our Tartan is never to be used by the public or by a McKay…from what I have read so far McCay is the origin of McKay but most sites direct you to McKay because there are so many of them…it is also special that there is a motto involved, most Clans have no motto, this points to an older origin than McKay and may have Viking influences…much more digging to do…

Apr. 1st…Spine…
On March 3 rd I saw my Doc up in Chino Valley. I’d been having horrible
pain between my shoulder blades. It feels like an embedded 5 lb. sledge
hammer. I asked for and got x-rays. T-1 is shot. Maximum lifting limited to
10 pounds. My neck has lost all it’s cushioning and is full of arthritis. Now
T-1. In my low back I have a vertically hemorrhaged vertebrae. 2 bulging
disks and an extra vertebrae. I have lifted weights off and on through out
my life. I have the fondest memories of gardening and planting trees. I love
to do landscaping. When in high school “the” school to go to for landscape
design was Texas A&M. Another dream of mine. Their specialty was golf
courses, lots of stuff to play with there, the ides still flood my mind from
time to time. But now, it feels like my vitality and purpose has been ripped
from my soul. It’s over, I’ve worn my body out. Damn. To top it off for the
month I had a bad molar pulled the day before my birthday. That tooth
made me very ill and even 5 days later I still feel horrible. Plus the olive
tree right outside my door is in bloom. Spring has always been rough for
me. The Ides of March have always been interesting days; but for another
time.

The Ides of March…in Las Vegas…1989…

2/22/16…

During the fall of 1988 I would have lunch with the the front office girl. A woman of maybe 22/23, her name was Dawn. A nice girl just going through a break up, I have always enjoyed spending time with women over men, who for whatever reason see me as an adversary. Anyway one day Dawn’s Mother joined us and it was a fun lunch, I thought nothing of it. But then she started showing up at the store to see me, bringing me milk shakes and we’d spend brief visits together. One day after being out of the store for a while I came in and walked up to the front desk and Dawn said to me something to the effect that gee you and my mother get along pretty good don’t you think you two could fool around a bit. I said that I’d never cheated on my wife and never would and walked away. On March 15th the following spring I called home at 9pm to see if my wife needed to pick up anything at the store on my way home, as was my habit. She said no but that when I got home we needed to talk, I told her I wasn’t busy at the moment because the guys were still out in the field. She said she wanted a separation. I said I’m on my way. When I got home there was no conversation, she just looked at the floor and shook her head when ever I spoke. The next day my area supervisor came to the store and I asked him for a reassignment to a store closer to home with different hours because I wanted to save my marriage. The next day he came in, handed me my check and said I had too many personal problems. As I passed the front desk Dawn asked what I was going to do and I said I hadn’t a clue and left. Days later I found out that everyone thought  Dawn and I were having an affair but Dawn had set the record straight with the area supervisor who had gone back to the office, quit for firing me for no reason and moved his family back to Texas. Things were hard at home, I was looking for work, taking care of the kids and my wife was going out bar hopping with her sister at night and coming home drunk. We went out for dinner on my birthday, the 29th of March, the next day she asked me to leave. On March 31st she came so drunk I could smell her from the bedroom, she was by then sleeping on the couch. I got her into the bed and left on 4/1/1989. I lost everything in 16 days; my job, my wife, my family, my home and was homeless in 16 days. Some friends in AZ lent me a sleeping bag and let me sleep in their back yard. To this very day I am still the bad guy to some in my family. Beware of the Ides of March, they will kill you, one way or another.

2/8/16…why I may be the way I am, or a part of the reason: pain…

http://www.sott.net/article/311816-Empathy-borne-of-pain-and-suffering

dis-ease….06/06/2011

When I was a senior in high school I developed mononucleosis/epstien-barre virus and didn’t know it until Mother took me to the E.R.. The mono had turned into hepatitis A. This on the night before being measured for my cap & gown. I spent the next 6 weeks in bed. My first time out of the house was for an hour to watch part of my graduation from the parking lot above the football field and bleachers. Since then I have pushed against most of what has happened by being very active and kinda fit. While in Kentucky my Nurse Practitioner thought I have fibromyalgia or chronic fatigue. Now that I’ve slowed down, no longer active and not lifting more than 10 pounds I find myself easily tired, dealing with personalities takes a great toll and my self image is fighting to adjust. Because of my appearance and affect I am thought to be in good health. The people in the apartment complex where I live are amazed by what little they know about my totality. I find the contradiction to be almost funny but it just ends up being frustrating.

interior…06/16/2011

It is not my suit to talk about who I am. I belong to a web-site that has 1000’s of test available. I have been taking some of the more reliable and most taken to get some idea of what I know but cannot express. So I’ll let the tests results speak for me. Although most are not truly scientific but are unauthorized versions of the real thing. They still reflect a sort of interpretation that is acceptable to me because I feel they reflect what I know to be me on the interior. They also show what I had to become in order to be something other than what my experiences were teaching me. My life on the exterior has been more than ugly, to counter act against it I explored life more than most. Having an almost photographic memory helps.

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***What Planet are You From? Test

Your result for What Planet are You From? Test …

You are from Uranus!

20% Uranus

Well, how about that? You are from Uranus!

Uranus is a bit unusual in that it kind of tilts to its side. They
think that might be because it was involved in some kind of
collision with another planet or huge asteroid at some time.
Uranus also has nine rings. It was discovered in 1871 and is
the third largest planet in our solar system.

Uranus was named after the Greek father of the sky. It is said
that he come to the planet to mate with Gaia, but he hated the
children that she bore. Hmmm. Does that mean that you
don’t like very many humans?

What does this say about you?

Well, it means that you have a very strong personality. You
like being different. You are just one of those people that are
hard to describe. You like to make people think because you
realize that life is always changing.

You have lots of ideas and could possibly be an inventor. You
enjoy learning about new things and trying things out. You
are definitely a doer and a creator. Give you a rubber band, a
paper clip, and a ball point pin and I’m sure you could manage
to do something very interesting and unusual with it.

Intelligence becomes you!

***********************************************************************

 

***Howard Gardner’s Eight Types of Intelligence Test

Your result for Howard Gardner’s Eight Types of
Intelligence Test …

Naturalistic

41% Logical, 31% Spatial, 10% Linguistic, 41%
Intrapersonal, 4% Interpersonal, 25% Musical,
16% Bodily-Kinesthetic and 61% Naturalistic!

“This area has to do with nature, nurturing and
relating information to one’s natural surroundings.
Those with it are said to have greater sensitivity to
nature and their place within it, the ability to
nurture and grow things, and greater ease in
caring for, taming and interacting with animals.
They may also be able to discern changes in
weather or similar fluctuations in their natural
surroundings. They are also good at recognizing
and classifying different species.
‘Naturalists’ learn best when the subject involves
collecting and analyzing, or is closely related to
something prominent in nature; they also don’t
enjoy learning unfamiliar or seemingly useless
subjects with little or no connections to nature. It is
advised that naturalistic learners would learn more
through being outside or in a kinesthetic way.
Careers which suit those with this intelligence
include scientists, naturalists, conservationists,
gardeners and farmers.” (Wikipedia)

***************************************************************************

***The 4-Variable IQ Test

The 4-Variable IQ Test

Written by chriscoyne

Your result for The 4-Variable IQ Test …

Verbal

25% interpersonal, 30% visual, 35% verbal and
10% mathematical!

Your strongest type of intelligence is Verbal. You
thrive on words, word games, and languages in
general. I’m feeling insecure as I write this,
because you are reading it. You see, language
demands a certain level of recursive thought,
and, as someone who just scored highly on it, I’m
guessing you already noted the intentional
dangling modifier I just put in this sentence. Didn’t
you? Smarty pants. 4-eyes.
Your specific scores follow. On any axis, a score
above 25% means you use that kind of thinking
more than average, and a score below 25%
means you use it less. It says nothing about
cognitive skills, just your interest.

Your brain is roughly:
25% Interpersonal
30%Visual
35%Verbal
10%Mathematical

*************************************************************************

***The Are You a Polite Online Dater Test

Written by IrishCowgrl

The Genteel One

You are 93 % Courteous.

Well aren’t you high-class! Your results have placed
you in the highest-scoring category. You are kind,
tactful, and honest about what you want. You have
either had great success with online dating, you
are very optimistic about the whole idea, or you
may even just be inexperienced and haven’t gotten
burned. Your only problem is that you’re so nice
and so polite that sometimes people might suspect
you of having an alterior motive behind that lovely
facade. Hopefully you will be able to maintain your
high morals and sense of justice even if the going
gets tough. Just be sure to remain honest, and
remember that it’s okay to make a mistake once in
awhile. After all, we’re only human. Have you
taken my other test yet? The Fence Around Your
Heart Test

You scored 93%
on Courteous,
higher than 92%
of your peers.

**************************************************************************

***The Best Thing About You Test

Written by chriscoyne

Your result for The Best Thing About You Test …

Humility

Humility is your strongest virtue. You are humble.

Humility is the defining characteristic of an
unpretentious and modest person, someone who
does not think that he or she is better or more
important than others. And you? When you do the
right thing, you’re doing it for all the right reasons.
All 7 virtues are a part of you, but your humility
runs deepest.
It is likely you’re a quiet type. But if not, then you
just have dark, secret side that loves to give.

Humble famous people: JD Salinger, Isaac
Newton, Harry Potter (pre-puberty)

Your raw relative scores follow. 0% is low, and
100% is perfect, nearly impossible. Note that I
pitted the virtues against each other, so in some
way these are relative scores. It’s impossible to
score high on all of them, and a low score on one is
just relatively low compared to the other virtues.

YOUR VIRTUES

70% Compassion
44% Intelligence
75% Humility
44% Honesty
25% Discipline
14% Courage
33% Passion

***************************************************************************

*** The Buddha Nature Test

The Buddha Nature Test
Written by flwyd T

Your result for The Buddha Nature Test …

You are 100% Buddha.

You too are a Buddha. You have glimpsed the
essence of Buddha nature. May you aid others in
their quest for enlightenment.

You scored 42%
on Buddha,
higher than 51%
of your peers.

**************************************************************************

***The Fence Around Your Heart Test
Written by IrishCowgrl T

Your result for The Fence Around Your Heart Test …

Chain-Link Fence

Your Heart is 60% Guarded

You’re right in the middle of the categories. You
have struck a good balance between opening up
your heart and keeping it protected. Some things
in your past have hurt you, but you’ve managed to
keep a realistic view. When someone tries to steal
your heart, they’ll have to prove to you that they’re
worthy by making the effort to climb over. And
that’s just fine.

You scored 60%
on Guarded,
higher than 86%
of your peers.

**********************************************************************

***The Heart Test

Written by AaronJJ

Your result for The Heart Test …

Heart of Gold

You are 60% Independent, 60% Idealistic, 90%
Intimate, and 90% Indulgent!

The Heart of Gold

Independent, Idealistic, Intimate, Indulgent

You are the most loving of hearts, the Heart of
Gold. You possess all the most loving qualities,
intimacy, the desire for closeness, and an idealistic
view of love. At the same time, you are not bound
by love, and so stand on tall on your own. You
know you will find love and aren’t worried about
not acquiring it – it is only a matter of time, and
you are happy in the meantime waiting. You are
the purest of all hearts, loving and self-assured, as
complete and whole as a heart can be.

************************************************************************

***The How Difficult Is Your Life Test

Written by chicken_pot_pie

Your result for The How Difficult Is Your Life Test …

Extremely Difficult

Your life has been 58% difficult.
Based on your family, money,
political context, and personal
situation — during the important
years of your development — it
appears your life was
EXTREMELY DIFFICULT. What
does this mean?
Well, the “difficulty” of your life is
a measure of how rough you had
it. Relative to the world, you had
a very, very difficult childhood.

I’m not sure what “success”
means to you, but whatever it is,
you can achieve it. When you do,
it’ll be that much more
impressive.

You scored 58%
on difficult,
higher than 93%
of your peers.

**************************************************************************

***The LONG Scientific Personality Test

Written by yeahiquit

Your result for The LONG Scientific Personality Test

ENFP – The Champion

You scored 64% I to E, 11% N to S, 14% F to T,
and 53% J to P!

Your type is known as the Champion type, which is
part of the larger group called idealists. Nothing
occurs that does not have some deep and ethical
significance in your eyes. You see life as an exciting
drama. You are very charismatic, yet tend to be too
harsh on yourself for not being as genuine as you
think you should be. 3% of the population shares
your type.
As a romantic partner, you need to talk about what
is going on in your life. You are a strong supporter
for your partner’s efforts to grow and change and
be happy. You need to feel that same support from
your partner. Expressive, optimistic, and curious,
you are eager to enjoy new experiences with your
partner, whom you wish to be your confidant and
soul mate, as well as play mate. You are
uncomfortable sharing negative emotion, though,
and tend to withdraw from confrontation and
process your feelings privately. You feel most loved
when your partner appreciates your creativity,
accepts your uniqueness, and sees you as the
compassionate person you are. You need to hear
your partner tell you how much you mean to them
and would love if they did thoughtful spontaneous
things to demonstrate it.
Your group summary: idealists (NF)
Your type summary: ENFP

*********************************************************************

***The Lover Style Profile Test

Written by donathos

Your result for The Lover Style Profile Test …

The Devoted Lover

77% partner focus, 38% aggressiveness, 45%
adventurousness

Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely
that:

You prefer your romance and love to be traditional
rather than daring or out-of-the-ordinary, you
would rather be pursued than do the pursuing and,
when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction
comes more from providing a wonderful time to
your partner than simply seeking your own.

This places you in the Lover Style of: The Devoted
Lover.

The Devoted Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and
is perhaps the best Lover Style when it comes to
developing a long-term, caring and rewarding
relationship. The Devoted Lover is a treasure to
find, though it is sometimes difficult to time
establishing a relationship with one just right;
usually, this is the last romantic relationship you’ll
need to find, so sow any wild oats first.

In terms of physical love, the Devoted Lover can be
shy at first but gradually warms and eventually can
be a thrilling partner who knows every need of
his/her partner. Given a strong and loving
relationship, and the right lover, the Devoted Lover
can be a delight in bed.

**********************************************************************

***The Perception Personality Image Test

Written by fromthemorning

Your result for The Perception Personality Image
Test …

NBPC – The Daydreamer

Nature, Background, Big Picture, and Color

You perceive the world with particular attention to
nature. You focus on the hidden treasures of life
(the background) and how that fits into the larger
picture. You are also particularly drawn towards the
colors around you. Because of the value you place
on nature, you tend to find comfort in more
subdued settings and find energy in solitude. You
like to ponder ideas and imagine the many
possibilities of your life without worrying about the
details or specifics. You are in tune with all that is
around you and understand your life as part of a
larger whole. You are a down-to-earth person who
enjoys going with the flow.

************************************************************************

***The Personality Defect Test

Written by Saint_Gasoline

Your result for The Personality Defect Test …

Emo Kid

You are 43% Rational, 43% Extroverted, 14%
Brutal, and 0% Arrogant.

You are the Emo Kid, best described as a quiet
pussy! You tend to be an intuitive rather than a
logical thinker, meaning you rely more on your
feelings than your thoughts. Not only that, but you
are introverted, gentle, and rather humble. You
embody all the traits of the perfect emo kid. You
are a push-over, an emotional thinker, gentle to the
extent of absurdity, and so humble that it even
makes Jesus puke. (And Jesus almost never pukes,
being immortal and not requiring an act of puke to
dispell toxins from his corporeal manifestation.) If
you write poetry, you no doubt write angsty, syrupy
lines about depression, sadness, and other such
redundant states of emo-being that go something
like this: life is a spike / upon which i have impaled myself /
fuck you dad

So, your personality is defective because you are
too gentle, rather underconfident in yourself,
decidely lacking in any rational thought, and also a
bit too inhibited. Plus, your poetry really upsets
your father.
I probably made you cry, didn’t I? Fucking Emo
Kid.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.
2. You are more INTROVERTED than extroverted.
3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.
4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.

**************************************************************************
***The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM Test

Written by felk

Your result for The Quick & Painless ENNEAGRAM
Test …

1- the Perfectionist

Thanks for taking the test !

you chose CZ – your Enneagram type is ONE (aka
“The Reformer”).

“I do everything the right way”

Perfectionists are realistic, conscientious, and
principled.
They strive to live up to their high ideals.

How to Get Along with Me

• Take your share of the responsibility so I don’t
end up with all the work.
• Acknowledge my achievements.
• I’m hard on myself. Reassure me that I’m fine
the way I am.
• Tell me that you value my advice.
• Be fair and considerate, as I am.
• Apologize if you have been unthoughtful. It will
help me to forgive.
• Gently encourage me to lighten up and to laugh
at myself when I get uptight, but hear my worries
first.
What I Like About Being a ONE
• being self-disciplined and able to accomplish a
great deal
• working hard to make the world a better place

****************************************************************************
***The Quick and Dirty Personality Test

Your result for The Quick and Dirty Personality Test

ENFJ- The Teacher

Your Type is 100% Extroverted, 0% Observant, 0%
Logical and 81% Structured

Your type is known as the teacher, or the educating
mentor. You also belong to the larger group, called
idealists. You tend to bring out the best in other
people. You lead without seeming to do so. People
are naturally drawn to you. You expect the very
best from people which takes the form of
enthusiastic encouragement which is so charming
that people try their best not to disappoint you.
You share your personality type with 3% of the
population.
You need to feel a deep and meaningful connection
to your romantic partners, and go to great lengths
to understand and please your mate. Harmony is
vitally important to you, and you often put others’
needs before your own. You have a pretty thin skin
and are easily hurt. Although you strive for
harmony, when your values or ethics are violated,
you can be very emotional, confrontational, and
even punishing. However, you are very insightful
about the underlying cause of conflicts, and an
excellent communicator, so you have the tools to
bring about a quick and peaceful resolution as long
as you can keep control of your facilities. You want
to be appreciated for your thoughtfulness and
compassion. You need your partner to make a real
effort to get to know you. Above all, you need to
be able to express your feelings and have them
taken seriously.
Your group summary: idealists (NF)

*************************************************************************
…ENFJ The Ultra Ultimate Personality Test

Written by zip_adeedoodah

Your result for The Ultra Ultimate Personality Test

The Protector

You scored 38 Extroversion, 70 Intuition, 72
Emotional, and 44 Spontaneity!

INFJ

INFJs are intuitive, caring, quiet and peace-loving:
deep and complex people who may seem equally at
home dealing with the personal and analytical
spheres of life. The interior world of vision and
ideas is this type’s most comfortable domain, but
some degree of human connection is essential for
the INFJ’s happiness; a potential conflict for this
type. Articulate, empathetic and idealistic, INFJs
often say they just know things, they know them
directly, and they may not be able to tell you how
or why! INFJs seem to be able to feel others’
feelings vicariously and sense the good and evil in
situations: an almost psychic ability which may be
an asset in many “people professions.” Spiritual,
sensitive and committed, INFJs enjoy being of
service to others. Once this type’s goals are set
and the mind is made up, no argument based
solely on reason and practicality is likely to divert
the passionate INFJ from a mission or chosen
project. Whether this characteristic manifests itself
as admirable tenacity or bull-headed stubbornness
may determine the individual INFJ’s potential for
life success.

**************************************************************************

***The What Kind of Romantic Are You?

Your result for The What Kind of Romantic Are You?
Test …

You scored 91% Perfect, 9%
Realist, 0 %Shy immature, and
0% Sex Not Romance!

Wonder what score u got huh? what does it mean?
well, i’ll tell you 🙂
If you scored a high “perfect” score, guess what!
you’re perfectly romantic. You have a beautiful
heart, and I hope that someday you will meet that
wonderful person of your dreams… 😉
If you scored a high “realist” score… well then, you
need to get your head out of the science books my
friend! Love is NOT something you can control, or
put into a box… remember that! I hope that you
learn to let go a little, listen to your heart a little
more!
If you scored a high “shy immature”… then wow,
you need to grow up when it comes to romance!
Get a backbone! Please realize that those people in
the movies and stuff are definately not the people
of your dreams, and that you need to look around
you for the flesh and blood people who are
probably just waiting for you to open your eyes!
If you scored a high “Sex not Romance” Score…
you are a horn dog… your mind is ruled by your
sex drives, and your probably colder than ice on
the inside, just looking for the next selfish
pleasurable moment. Grow Up! Get a heart! Let
yourself fall in love, meaningful sex with someone
you love and have opened and thawed your frozen
heart for will be absolutely amazing! more than i
bet you’ve experienced so far!

**********************************************************************

***The Which DOORS song are you? Test

Written by RomanWilderness

Your result for The Which DOORS song are you?
Test …

THE END

12 shaman, 7 reveller, 10 exile, 10 nihilist and 1
other

This is the end, beautiful friend. This is the
end, my only friend … the end

THE END is the exception to the four variables …
you cannot get this song by scoring high or low in
any of these variables. You can only score THE END
if you look beyond the four variables and see the
true essence of The Doors. And apparently you
have. Congratulations and kudos. You have
achieved what most others could not.

For the rest of the songs, I’ve included brief
write-ups to describe and/or explain each of them.
However I’m not going to write anything about The
End. It’s sheer greatness would negate any
attempt I made to define it. In fact I’ve long since
come to the conclusion that The End is essentially
undefinable.

***************************************************************************

…Perfectly Clear…
(3/28/14)
Anyone convicted of child exploitation/abuse/pornography of any kind or manner should be castrated and then do their prison term. For a second offense they should be given a lobotomy. Questions? I think not !

I was never designed, built or maintained to last very long. During the spring of the year 2000 a doctor in Cottonwood AZ gave me 10 years. A few years ago a doctor here in Phoenix gave me a couple of years. I am past my expiration date. The will to live is very strong in me for some reason; we’ll see. Tomorrow I’ll turn 63. I’ll probably live to 90 but there is no desire to do so.

A few favorite quotes:

“…there are none so dumb as those that will not speak…” Danny O’Keefe
“…with eyes of fire no one can see…” Robbie Robertson

*******************************************************************

…well, in summary…you’ve gotten this far…if you are one of those told stories about me it should be painfully obvious to you by now that my brain and I do not even work or think in the terms that I have be accused of, some of which surely would have meant I’d be in jail or shot…there have been those that have thought I deserve an apology(s) but hey, I wasn’t the one being lied to, someone thought so little of you as to not tell you the truth…

…a few other physical “thingy’s…

I have Horner’s Syndrome in my right eye: my right eye-lid could close and never open again, I could go blind in that eye without warning or it could cause a heart attack at any moment. I’m not to call 911 but to get into the car and go to E.R. immediately.

My tail bone is broken and shoved up and into the right cheek of my butt. It is mobile and quite painful at times.

Yes, I survived…yes, I am adaptable but those little children found in shallow graves having been raped and murdered have the advantage over me, they are the lucky one’s, my life as been a living hell, it has taken almost all I have within me to get this far…their lives were cut short and their trauma, although intense and as frightening as it was, is a blessing because it didn’t last as long as those of us that survive…

1/31/16…

I’ll turn 65 soon enough, I’m old, tired, been sick since before x-mas, pumped full of steroids and antibiotic’s, over the counter drugs, lost 14 pounds and I want it all to end, I’ve had enough…

********************************************************************************

…2/21/16…

A very dear and trusted friend of mine and I have been discussing this blog, my need for blogging and the resulting effects from this activity of being a blogger. Through her assistance I have been able to examine the influence of my chronic pain and drug addiction for this pain because of prescription medications and what they have on the writings here and the activity of the blog itself, being read or not, being commented on or not. This blog is much like an addiction to me because I am a shut-in with very little outside contact. In the past I haven’t been too kind to a few people and for this I apologize. I really don’t belong here, waiting, watching for the next page click or trying to figure out how to get more readership. What I need to do and will be trying to do is move away from this dead-end trap. I do hope that you, dear reader, have gained some insight into our world and how I see it. Maybe in some small way I have improved your life by showing and demonstrating truth(s) to you. If life becomes a bit more normal for us all I may restore those “back-pages” I’ve hidden away in order to protect myself but don’t count on it. I may be reached at g.satchell at mail dot com. Here it is a day later (2/22/16) and I’m still at “it”, posting more comments and links, I’m trying but there is this compulsion to teach, spread the word, seek the truth: dammit…

********************************************************************************

2/28/16

…due to some severe financial constants after having my car repaired I can no longer afford to stay on-line…I will be going off-line sometime around the 3rd of March…it’s been an interesting experience…last July (2015) this site showed just a little over 600 hits, I think I’ve done a good job here even though less than 10 responded to any of my work and it has been work…before shutting down I will be posting those hidden pages I’ve referred to a few times, in advance I’d like to wish you luck, we’ll all need it…GWS…update 3/2/16…my ISP worked out a deal with me, I’ll be staying on-line for a bit more, making noise and hopefully making people think about just what the fuck they are doing to the Planet Earth and to each other, I hope to offend, enlighten and cause action for Peace, brotherhood and sharing; we don’t have those things right now; we have war, killing, hate and greed, which really spells out the end of life as we know it, we won’t last much longer doing the things we do…

3/10/16

…The more I understand about what is really happening with radiation(s), global warming, climate change, our Empire, the wacko-right-wingo-control-freaks…the more depressed I’m getting…I would cry but there are no tears…I would scream but I have no voice…I have no family, I have a few friends that I can trust but I have no shelter from the storm, no one to hold on to in the dead of night out of fright of what we have become and what we soon will be…I cannot sleep, I cannot eat, I have to force myself to do these things and yet I’m the one that is thought to be crazy, insane, mentally deficient…I wish I could be stupid, I wish I could be dumb, I wish I could live in denial, I wish I could be like you but I’m not, so I cry inside all the time…

********************************************************************************

…Casper Wy…lived there twice, always felt at home there…but…you can never go home any more (Moody Blues)

I have changed the site name to reflect who I am, a generalist…the name is in reference to Herbert Marcus and his book “One Dimensional Man”, if you are up to a very dense read about what our “modern” world has become I strongly suggest you read it, I constantly struggle with communicating with the one dimensional man…everything is related but not to such a person, so there you have the reason for the sites top photo, it is a very lonely road to travel. As you can see, much of what was on the old site is still here, all except for my art which I’ll try and fix, somehow. I’m going to be doing things differently now, more reflection and less posting of links. The big move was triggered by being ignored. I opened things up for comments time and time again and got none. I asked for donations time and time again and got none. The old site had a following from all around the globe and no one said a word, no one loaned me that dime, as it were. Not in the 3 years it was up and running. What I may end up doing is archive everything and start over or just redesign the pages or fill in a lot of blank spots in the day. In other words, I haven’t a clue where I’m going. It really is very frustrating not to have my photo’s and my photo/media library available, I’m to wait 72 hours for the whole thing to shake-down, wish I’d saved everything differently.

Ah hey look folk’s, I’m just an old hippie that did his fair share and more during the 60’s and 70’s, I still believe in sex, drugs and rock&roll, it’s just that now I’m too old and worn-out for any of it, Peace&Love are still very real to me, the brotherhood of mankind, things like that, yep, I miss the real life of those days when there was 1/2 as many people on the Planet Earth, some of the water and air was still clean enough to drink and breathe in it’s raw state and everyone was much much kinder, gentler and not in a rush to nowhere, yep, it’s my generations fault for not carrying any of this forward but we got tired of being shot and killed by our own at Kent State and elsewhere…I still listen to the music of that time, it was/is still Real, why I even like the crooners of the 40’s & 50’s but the 60’s & 70’s well, it’s a shame you weren’t there to go along for the ride, this is what I’m talking about Country Joe and The Fish, Electric Music For The Mind and Body

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DprmuBbi0N0

my body is failing me in so many different ways, the big problem is lack of sleep and poor diet, I have no cause to eat right, if I do my bowels fill up and press against my spine and the pain is a monster, when I lie down my hands and arms start to itch and burn and my back and legs start to cramp and ears start to drain then the buzz in my head gets really loud; I have to knock myself out in order to sleep, geez…bitch bitch bitch…got a nice email from the Bernie camp today, very nice, it boosted my spirits for quite a while, the move has been a good one, lots of new readers of a different sort, people who are in there getting their hands dirty, walkin’ the walk-talkin’ the talk, I’m beginning to feel I have something to offer them, my efforts are paying off…still no word from Frank’s family, they complained more than once about the mess he left behind, he just gave back what he was given, I miss them because I always thought of them a family but I don’t miss them if it is that easy to turn their back to me, all I did was ask doesn’t anyone share anymore and poof, their gone; maybe someone paid them a visit? someone bad mouthed me again? whatever, it just shows how shallow they are but it hurts, no one has my back and it’s getting darker by the day…4/2/16…no one ever had my back except Frank and he’s been gone a long time now; there was one person that helped, Dr. Virginia Connor my therapist, she even called once to tell me she had written off my balance due her on her tax filings, she was very kind and believed in me…no one has ever come out and said may I help you, I am shunned, stigmatized and ridiculed instead and that really hurts, I have been trying to go it alone now since Oct 2009 and it is so damn hard, so hard, people I know that I have sent to these pages later act like I have the plague or worse and now the government is doing what it is doing and I have no safe haven or harbor with still waters, everything is in turmoil around me, geez, as noted on the front page I have had trouble with my dsl, I did some speed tests and rebooted the modem and it worked better and then to read and post about the fbi and apple mess got me spooked by the spooks; no point in checking email because it isn’t secure and I’ll use Tor 100% of the time now, that along with using Linux Mint I’ll be kinda safe for a while yet, the tone of the letter from the fbi to police departments and such says to me boy you better beware, vulnerabilities have always been shared since time began with the web because of what is a stake with regards to power plants and the like but for the fbi to divorce itself from that means the police state has taken over, I doubt very much if there will be an election unless hrc is installed much like bush in 1999/2000; this move by the fbi will surely squash dissent, I have had 65 years of ugliness and now this, I want it all to stop